“False advertising is as good an example of bearing false witness as we have ever come across, said the institute’s spokesperson, Jeff Grady. “You can’t advertise faintly-flavored mud as chocolate. That’s a bald-faced lie.”
In a meticulously footnoted statement, the Biblical Research Institute elaborated on the ruling: “We as Adventists run the danger of focusing on the Sabbath Commandment to the exclusion of the rest. It is important to read scripture in a balanced manner. The ninth commandment is every bit as important as the fourth.”
The ruling was immediately supported by a broad cross-section of Adventists who feel like they have been lied to since they first stepped foot in an ABC store.
Sixty-seven-year-old Jeannie Henderson was elated to hear the news: “Finally we have found the courage as a church to stand up and speak out against this blatant deception that has been swept under the rugs of our ABC stores for decades!”
Although the Biblical Research Institute has a long list of cases pending (“Are drum sets in church biblical?” ” What is the difference between throwing a frisbee and a football on Sabbath?”), they have drafted some recommendations for all ABC stores in regards to future carob advertising.
Carob packets will now have to carry the written warning, “Tastes nothing like chocolate,” as well as a full-color image of a child puking.