GC: Angels won’t go near Red Box vending machines

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SILVER SPRING, Md. — Adventists have been warned that they will not be afforded the protection of guardian angels if they get within 10 feet of any Red Box vending machine.

The warning comes as part of a major General Conference lifestyle guidance overhaul for Adventists “in light of modern technological advancements.” With the overhaul comes an update on locations off-limits to angels: “You have heard it said that angels leave you at the door if you visit movie theaters or clubs. We’ll have you know that they won’t go near Red Box movie vending machines either,” said the GC statement.

The statement advised Adventists to, whenever possible, avoid establishments with Red Box machines on their premises. “If you can’t switch supermarkets or 7-Elevens then be sure to only use the store doors that are the furthest removed from the Red Box machines as they are dispensers of frivolous filth.”

The announcement was met with mixed emotions by Adventists. “I think that the idea that my Guardian Angel leaves me at the door of an ever-growing list of establishments is a little rich,” said Sonya Karlstaad of Riverside, Calif. “If anything I think they would work over-time if I were actually in trouble.”

Others were less dismissive of the GC warning: “I’ll never use another Red Box,” said Ted Boughman of Tampa, Fla. “I’m investing in Netflix.”

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  1. Ray Kraft

    Is this really satire? I know Adventists who take this very seriously. Once I was a kid we were downtown I needed to go to the bathroom really bad and I wanted to go into the theater we were walking by but my mom said we couldn’t do that ’cause even if we were only going in to use the bathroom somebody might see us go in and think it must be okay to go into a theater if we were going into a theater and then they might get hooked on evil movies and be LOST!

  2. News Flash – Update: Confidential sources deep within the General Conference Department of Lifestyle Standards divulged that the GC has negotiated a deal with Walmart and other stores to protect errant Adventists from their own foolishness. Any Adventist approaching within 10 feet of a Red Box will receive a powerful electric shock.

    “Don’t worry,” said the source (who begged to remain anonymous), “the shock will not be strong enough to kill you. It will only be enough to shake you up a bit, bring you back to your senses, and remind you that you’re off limits.”

    The system is patterned after the popular canine shock collars that keep dogs in their own yard. When asked how the system will detect Adventists, the source declined to reveal the secret, but rumor has it that it will detect the residue from special magnetic ink found only in copies of the Adventist Review and the Sabbath School study guides.

    Early testing has shown great results. 97-year old Walter Slacker volunteered as a guinea pig, while his angel waited outside the 10-foot zone. After he suffered a mighty jolt, onlookers dragged Slacker out of the danger zone so his angel could help him. Still in a daze on the floor, Slacker gasped, “Once is enough! I’m sticking with 3ABN!”

  3. Bernardo Samano

    Are you serious? Hope this is a joke, and I will laugh. Hope this is not a way to ridicule people’s faith, whatever the confession. We must live by faith rooted in God’s Word. Church standards vary from congregation to congregation when we try to find salvation by works. I believe that if we go astray from God’s ways, the angels want to be as close as they can to bring us back to the Lord. It can be a bar, brothel, or any other place where it is believed God is not there. I learned about Christ in a brothel. I am happy the angel of the Lord went with me. This can be applied specially when we are to decide what kind of food we want to feed our minds with. Let the Holy Spirit guide you, be honest with yourself, Let us amuse ourselves in other ways.

    1. Ray Kraft

      Going to SDA schools, I learned that God is eternal, omniscient, omnipotent, and omnipresent . . . God is everywhere . . . if this doctrine is true, then God is also present in every brothel and bar.

    2. rock8892

      This is a satire site, written by Adventist about Adventism…poking a little fun at ourselves and some of our little idiosyncrities and our ‘occasional’ hypocrisy. I mean, what is life if we can’t have a sense of humor about ourselves?

  4. Ray Kraft

    I was thinking of going down to the grocery and renting a movie from RedBox, but now I’m wondering . . . has the General Conference taken a position on this? – Is it a sin to get a movie from RedBox?

    Is it a mortal sin, or merely a venial sin?

    Is it a sin to THINK about getting a movie from RedBox?

    Jesus said that a man who lusts after a woman has committed adultery already in his heart, so it would seem that even thinking about sinning is just as much a sin as really sinning, no?

  5. alx

    This statement has been taken a bit out of context; any one who claims to believe in the Saviour must behave like He did. Is not so much about the Red Box, but about a life style that models that of our Creator and Redeemer! Can any of us picture God’s Son smoking, drinking, doing drugs, stealing, telling lies, cheating, cursing, etc. The same applies to what kind of material we read, watch or listen to. If we don’t attend the movies to watch any of the rated “R” movies or witchcraft, WHY IN THE WORLD ARE WE BRINGING THEM INTO OUR HOMES??? Use common sense, whether at home or anywhere else that we do what we do God and His holy angels are either welcome or rejected from our daily lives. The real issue is who do I want to emulate, Messiah or the adversary of my soul. The decisions are made in the mind, then the actions follow (behaviour). Guard the avenues of your soul and do not lean to your own understanding, and in all your ways acknowledge HIM.

  6. Michael Wortman

    “Angels?” Oh, I thought you were saying “angles” and that when approaching the Red Box we were being advised to make sharp turns to the left or right in order to stay out of sin’s force field. You had me worried for a minute.

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