“In my day they put us on social as a form of discipline. This basically meant you were confined to the dorm and given extra chores. Gentle Tasers are far more efficient. One quick shock and you’ve got their full attention,” said Bo Harlinger, Assistant Men’s Dean.
Harlinger shared that the first few times he tazed a student he felt a little awkward, but that “practice makes perfect.”
GCA has placed strict limits on how long students can be tazed. “Shocks must last under four seconds and disciplinary application must be limited to three shocks in sequence.”
Over the course of the Gentle Taser testing period, staff reported a “shockingly high obedience rate across the student body.” Students were well-mannered, punctual and cooperative in all aspects of school life.
“GCA is clearly on the cutting edge of Adventist discipline,” said Georgia Cumberland Conference Education Director, Dave Romely. “Other schools can learn from this best practice.”
“Academy discipline has never been an easy battle but we feel that we have uncovered a fail-safe method to keep our students focused and productive come next school year,” said a GCA staff-wide memo.
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This tool would have been so helpful when I was in charge of a Christian daycare many years ago. Sounds much more effective than giving the rowdy kids a little nip of Benadryl now and then or a straight jacket timeout. Just a little zap would really get the children’s attention, wouldn’t it? Technology is a wonderful thing. Makes my heart beat a little faster just to think about it. Where can I order one for the grandkids?
This is soooooo funny. Love it! Thanks for posting these advancements of Adventism.
Love this site! Thanks for making me literally LOL
Maybe make remote shock collars part of the dress code? Hehe
Shock collars for repeat offenders! I recall at the Andrews dairy we used ‘cattle prods’ to get those recalcitrant heifers moving in the right direction. Sounds the the same thing, ‘eh?
This could be a “blessing” for those errant church/school board members that are difficult to get along with. Deacons could use one to keep sleepy members awake during a pastor’s long dreary sermons. Maybe the local Conference leaders can use one on a wayward worker who steps out of line. Train up a worker in the way he/she will go and when he/she is on the payroll, they will not depart.Endless possibilities here! Will this form of punishment make its way into the church manual after the 2015 GC?
Inquiring minds need to know!!
My little sister when to GCA this past year and she said nothing like this is going on so stop lying about Adventists!
This is a satirical blog, friend. Written by Adventists, for Adventists.
Do you think your sister would actually tell you if she was ‘affected’ by these events? Really?
The next logical step needs to be taken. When faculty and staff at GCA come across some misdemeanor and no one will step forward to own up to having done it, they need to cull a few random students from the student body and explain that unless the culprit steps forward, there will be disciplinary action taken against the randomly selected students in order to demonstrate GCA staff’s solidarity and commitment to a zero-tolerance policy for misbehavior.
I seem to recall this policy working *extremely* well for notably historical figures such as Adolf Hitler, Josef Stalin, and Mao Tzedong.
Wait, I think we have already done that one…