Handcuffs for church clappers

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Adventists reacting to the news have been clasping their hands tightly to avoid clapping...

Adventists reacting to the news have been clasping their hands tightly to avoid clapping…

In a renewed effort to promote order and silence in church, Adventist congregations worldwide are being issued handcuffs so as to best restrain members that clap during services. A preliminary supply of five handcuffs per church has been issued, with an option for more for larger / rowdier congregations.

“We hate resorting to handcuffs but we have to send a strong message on this one,” said GC Director of Experimental Ministries, Joe Michelin. “This is getting out of hand.”

Per official protocol, warnings will first be issued to members that clap when they should be saying “Amen”. Three warnings will result in handcuffing. “The same goes for raising of ‘holy’ hands,” said Michelin in an official statement. “Adventists don’t clap, sway or wave in church. PERIOD.”

Churches are directed to reinforce the new practice by prominently displaying “We Cuff Clappers” notices on church roadway signs, in restrooms and on lobby bulletin boards.

“Don’t say you weren’t warned,” said Michelin.

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  1. Richard Mills

    Will the cuffs be used in the front of the body or the behind the back? It is possible to raise both hands cuffed and rattle or hit each others cuffs to make a joyful noise. Dragging cuffed hands along the pews is interesting. Using the restroom will be challenging. No problem at a potluck. Just use both hands as a scoop! Tough to hold a cup of juice. My back itches, now what? Can’t wait to see it in action at the next GC. Woe is me.

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