Haystacks revealed as reason Seventh-day Adventists live longer

“Support the BarelyAdventist team by joining our Patreon community or leaving a PayPal tip - it means the world to us.”

The Secret
The Secret
BALTIMORE, Md. — A study into the secrets of longevity among Seventh-day Adventists has at last revealed the reason they often live 10 years longer than the average American. The secret appears to be consumption of the taco salad-like creation popularly known as haystacks.

“Seventh-day Adventists are addicted to this stuff,” said Johns Hopkins University longevity researcher, Moe Gwack. “I call it Adventist crack. All the Adventist centenarians I studied are huge fans.”

He explained that from a very young age, Adventist are exposed to haystacks in social settings as well as intimate family settings. “Enjoying haystacks is as Adventist as loving apple pie is American,” he said.

Gwack said that it is no wonder that Adventists live as long as they do when they consume such a healthy dish as their staple. The dish ensures the eating of lots of fresh vegetables as well as a variety of other food groups. Also, the dish is generally served in happy, social settings where the food is shared with fellow enthusiasts.

Asked if he had any words of caution, Gwack said, “Go easy on the sour cream and cheese.”


Single, separated, divorced and widowed Adventists who want to change that status wanted.


(Visited 5,660 times, 1 visits today)


  1. richard mills

    I know a guy who eats haystacks 3 times a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year and he is as healthy as a horse. He also gulps down a few Little Debbies with some GMO free, sugar free, salt free, range free, cage free, MSG free coca cola. I envy this guy. Thank You for sharing this sign of longevity. I am going to switch over to eating haystacks more often. No guacamole for me. Good old mayo, diced tomatoes, baby lettuce, Fritos, Friend’s baked beans, pickles, cooked sweet peppers, baco-bits, a touch of salt. Yummy yummy–good for your tummy. More Little Debbies washed down with Dad’s Root Beer. Come on down and enjoy some with me. Dare Ya!!

      1. richard mills

        Katie- I have been reassured that the pigs are vegetarian. Fed under the watchful eye of Hasidic Rabbi Yousef Ginsburg of Brooklyn, NY. Can’t do any better than that!!

    1. Harry Rotter

      I know a guy who has smoked 3 packs a day since age 13 and now he’s 113. He says his key to health is: “I don’t bathe except once a year.” Go and do thou likewise.

  2. Donald Dump

    We serve haystacks in Dump Tower. We call them Wall-of-Mexico Salad. Tested, tasted, and approved by your fellow SDA haystacks connoisseur Dr. Ben Carsinogen, soon-t0-be Surgeon General of the U.S. or Ambassador to Pluto.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *