GC Transformed Into Nursing Home As Average Employee Age Surpasses 75

SILVER SPRING, Md. — The General Conference building is undergoing major refurbishment after HR finally stated the obvious: employees are so old the place should just be a nursing home. As Read more […]

PEOPLE Magazine names Adventist 100-year-old bodybuilder ‘sexiest man alive’

LOMA LINDA, Calif. — PEOPLE magazine has crowned a 100-year-old Adventist bodybuilder from Loma Linda the “sexiest man alive.” The magazine said that instead of choosing a celebrity, they Read more […]

Adventist 100-year-old from Loma Linda cast in Expendables 4

HOLLYWOOD, Calif. — Sylvester Stallone’s franchise of Expendables films has announced a fourth installment to be released in 2018. To keep the series fresh, a centenarian Seventh-day Adventist Read more […]

115-year-old Adventist wins gold at World Breakdancing Olympics

VENICE BEACH, Calif. — An unlikely athlete took gold at the World Breakdancing Olympics which concluded today. Gertrude Logan, known simply as G-Lo in breakdancing circles, crushed her competitors Read more […]

Loma Linda 112-year-old starts TarryNot dating site for centenarian Adventists

LOMA LINDA, Calif. — Recognizing the big bucks to be made in ultra-niche online dating dating sites, Loma Linda centenarian Edith Greenely has taken a break from her day job of self-defense Read more […]

Haystacks revealed as reason Seventh-day Adventists live longer

BALTIMORE, Md. — A study into the secrets of longevity among Seventh-day Adventists has at last revealed the reason they often live 10 years longer than the average American. The secret appears Read more […]

First vegan Dairy Queen to open at Loma Linda University

LOMA LINDA, Calif. — Frozen-treat chain Dairy Queen has announced plans to open an entirely vegan store on the campus of Loma Linda University. Although the chain already offers some vegan-appropriate Read more […]

San Antonio declared Blue Zone as Adventist centenarians arrive for General Conference

SAN ANTONIO, Texas — A team of National Geographic reporters has declared San Antonio a Blue Zone as scores of centenarians have descended upon the city for the Seventh-day Adventist Church’s Read more […]