WASHINGTON, DC – This week, US Homeland Secretary Kirstjen Nielsen resigned her position after 16 months on the often controversial job of deploying Trump-era security tactics aimed at keeping the country safe. Nielsen is now turning her attention to a job she claims is every bit as grueling: preventing Southern Adventist University students from sneaking back on to campus undetected after curfew. Nielsen said that there was absolutely no way that she would be recommending the construction of a wall around campus as that would entail spending almost every dollar of campus fines revenue in one place. Instead she suggested a high-security steel barrier around the perimeter of residence halls to prevent undocumented after-hours entry. Although she admitted that navigating Southern’s campus policies would be no cakewalk, Nielsen said that she was grateful government shutdowns would no longer impact her department’s operations.
You’ve had your fix of satire. Now head over to Adventist Today for current events updates, analysis and opinion on all things Adventist.