In a controversial move aimed at combating disengaged congregants, the Michigan Conference of Seventh-day Adventists has instituted a new policy allowing pastors to publicly call out any members caught napping during sermons.
“Too many of our faithful are treating the house of God like a Rip Van Winkle rendezvous,” declared the conference directive. “It’s time to take a stand against these snoozing saints.”
The new initiative grants pastors full authority to halt their sermons and loudly name check any slumbering members. Offenders will be shamed into wakefulness by having their identities and pew locations announced over the sanctuary PA system.
Local toy stores have already reported a surge in sales of fidget spinners as members search for ways to stay awake. One enterprising church has gone so far as to install an ice dispenser in the foyer to help parents discreetly lob frozen cubes at lethargic loved ones.
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