NSA consults Southern’s administration on surveilance tips as anti-spying powers expire

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NSA headquarters...
NSA headquarters…


COLLEGEDALE, Tenn. — Top NSA officials paid an emergency visit to Southern Adventist University early this morning as key anti-spying powers allowing bulk phone data collection expired yesterday at midnight. The officials are reported to have spent several hours quizzing leaders at Southern about how best to monitor the lives of Americans after the Senate failed to reach a deal needed to extend the Patriot Act and a filibuster by Senator Rand Paul stopped quick passage of alternate surveillance legislation. “We may be in a bind here due to roadblocks in Washington, but Southern’s reputation for watching its students like a hawk caught our interest and has been greatly encouraging,” said an anonymous NSA official. “Southern-style monitoring of grown adults is something we can only dream of.”

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  1. Maybe Southern has a reputation for watching over its students, but so do Walla Walla, Oakwood, and some other universities. For example, both Oakwood and Southern strictly enforce a “no jewelry” policy for students. But many church members in the Collegedale area freely don a modest and tasteful amount of costume jewelry at church. The SAU administration should read http://www.GodLikesJewelry.com .

  2. APlusDave

    It seems to me that if we got rid of all of the ‘spies’ we might have affordable college education costs, again! Maybe the folks at our SDA universities could spend more time teaching and tutoring, and less time trying to enforce the ‘rules’.

    With a lower tuition cost we might actually fill our hallowed institutions with STUDENTS!

  3. I know this is satire, and it’s fun to read. But just for the record: I was responsible for phone system for over 12 years at Southern, and had access to the phone meta-data the NSA would like to have on Americans. No person in the administration ever asked or received information on student or faculty calls. In one case an off-campus person asked for the extension number of a call from campus. I complied in that case because Caller ID would have provided the information to them.

  4. Richard Mills

    Your responders are correct. Any one of our SDA Educational institutions would serve as a model. The academies are better at it than the colleges. I speak from personal experience while attending that “New England School” many eons ago. You know what? I’m still a member in good and regular standing in my world wide church. Now, I is a spy! Woe is me!!

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