Southwestern to accept only registered Republicans as students

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KEANE, Texas — The Office of Admissions at Southwestern Adventist University has announced that new students for the 2014-2015 academic year will be required to register with the Republican Party before the start of the Fall semester.

The announcement comes mere weeks after Republican Senator Ted Cruz spoke for the May 2014 Commencement Weekend. The Tea Party favorite spoke to capacity crowds with many overflow rooms packed to the brim.

“The overwhelmingly positive reaction to Senator Cruz’s visit to our campus only serves to affirm our vision of an institution completely aligned with godly politics,” said university spokesperson Bret Fitch.

Administration has announced that existing students registered as Democrats or Independents will be allowed to return as students in the fall but only with the understanding that they will not vote in the midterm elections.

“For too long now, we as Adventists have been so afraid of disturbing the Separation of Church and State that we have forgotten the importance of teaching our young the difference between Republican politics and all the evil options out there,” said Southwestern Political Science Professor, Jim Stanster, Ph.D.

“Understand, we are not forcing anyone to vote; the requirement for new students is just a question of registration,” said Stanster. “All our students will be completely free to decide. They can vote Republican this autumn or just not vote.”




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  1. Isa Manu

    We don’t have a Bret Fitch or a political science professor named Dr. Stanster. And Sen. Cruz did not speak for the 2014 graduation; Dr. Anderson, former University President to be as of July 1st, was our speaker. I should know–I just graduated. Sen. Cruz spoke at the 2013 commencement ceremony. Could this piece be satirical and I’m js offended at all it’s errors for free? I’m js saying–they could have at least spelled “Keene, TX” right… But I guess that was the point? 😉 either way, nice try… 🙂 but completely bogus. God bless. 🙂

  2. A. Nonymous

    I am routinely floored by the fact that people take articles from Barely Adventist seriously. It is 100% a satirical site and it says so right at the top right corner of the page: “satirically Adventist”. Come on folks!

  3. Steve Severance

    I’m noticing that Southwestern has been a target of much of the satire recently, including implications that the school is politically biased, that graduates have a hard time getting jobs, and the one about haystacks degree (now that one really was funny). I guess someone has a special love for SWAU, in order to make jokes about it so much.

    The truth is that Southwestern is a very diverse campus and that diversity includes political views. Also the hire rate, especially in Theology, Nursing, and Education is exceptionally high. For satire to be effective it should have some reflection on reality, many of these posts do not fit that description. However, it is nice to see Southwestern’s name in lights, I just hope people realize the stories are not true satire, they’re just plain bogus.

  4. Kakas Coco

    Satire, my foot. Posting false statements about anything, is paramount to “bearing false witness.” Christians should not engage in this. Some unsuspecting reader will be lead astray by this sick attempt at being funny under the guise of “satire.”

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