Adventist Church exempts sleepy Ben Carson from caffeine ban

Ben Carson needs a nap too...
Ben Carson needs a nap too…
SILVER SPRING, Md. — In an absolute first for the Adventist Church, world leaders have come to a majority decision to allow a caffeine ban exemption for the denomination’s most fatigued member: retired pediatric neurosurgeon and front runner Republican candidate for president, Dr. Ben Carson.

“We would never do this under normal circumstances,” said GC Temperance Department spokesperson, Koff Seerep, “but we have decided that as leaders of the Seventh-day Adventist Church, we are at times called to a life of compassion. Dr. Carson has almost fallen asleep in interviews, debates and even speeches during this election season. We are giving him a pass on the whole coffee ban thing.”

Adventist leaders have been careful to stress that their exemption is not to be abused by the candidate. “This is not free license for Dr. Carson to start chugging Red Bulls or become the new face of 5-hour ENERGY commercials. His ties to Mannatech have been damaging enough,” said Seerep.



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  1. Lindy

    He must avoid Starbucks, you know they are anti-Christmas…But of coarse, the red and green cups they serve their coffee in are “Winter Solstice” cups.

    I’m sure O’Reilly’s next book will be about who killed Christmas. Because, you know how badly he needs the money.

  2. APlusDave

    Slippery slope, for sure. This is why Mrs. White advised against members getting involved in politics. First caffeine, then maybe meat. Who knows what would be next? Perhaps the occasional glass of wine served at formal dinners, or even, , campaigning on …the Sabbath?

    Resist Ben. Quit while you are ahead. No one will fault you for not wanting to join ranks with people who have values that are completely opposite of yours.

  3. Ben Kar-sin

    Try saying something really controversial, naive, or off-the-wall, and you’ll get a bunch of free publicity! Write a book with a few questionable or fuzzy details, and your campaign will get tons of attention! Also try some rambling, non-sequitur “answers” to debate questions. The more you veer off from the question, and the more your “answer” resembles a confused bunch of garbledy-gook, the more free publicity you will get on Twitter that night, and the more free (but not flattering) attention you will get from news outlets the next day. . . .

  4. Morris Foreman

    I was born and raised in the SDA Church and attended its schools through college. In the past couple of years, I have to come to understand that there is no “one true church.” Any church claiming to be the “one true church,” and focusing on a list of doctrines (more than a love relationship with Christ) and seeking to micromanage its members’ lives, is a cult.

    Now I understand that the SDA church, and others like it, are business enterprises similar to multi-level marketing companies, where the real goal is to increase membership in order to bring in more tithe money. In order to inspire other Christians to join this tithe-generating system, the SDA church tries to convince them that they will be lost if they don’t join this “one true church.” Then it tries to scare them from leaving, by fostering an “us vs. them” attitude where the world is divided into SDA and “non-SDA”–and everything “non-SDA” is bad. This is a cultic strategy.

    I am glad to be in a non-denominational fellowship now, where the focus is on falling in love with Jesus, loving God with all my heart, and loving my neighbor as myself. I have found the freedom of grace and Christ’s promise: “Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls.”

  5. Richard Mills

    I respectfully request that I be given a caffeine dispensation similar to Carson because I fell asleep reading all these blogs about Carson. I need to be alert to all the issues. Please, Please release me from the wicked sin of nodding off. I need the fix RIGHT NOW!! Roma will not do. Postum will not do. Starbucks is a NO-NO. Maybe DD is OK!. Send me the release forms ASAP. Woe is me!!

  6. Pingback: ElectionWatch Unfiltered: Coffee & The Candidates On Super Tuesday | Evie P Chapman Blog

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