COLLEGEDALE, Tenn. --- An email titled "URGENT" was sent to the over 3000 members of Collegedale Church this morning in response to what Church Treasurer, Keefer Spears is calling "the longest offering on record". In the email, Spears implored members to bring exact change for offering next Sabbath after "several dozen" congregants more than doubled the offering collection time yesterday by asking deacons for change on bills.
Spears spared no words in expressing his frustration with "church cheapskates that seem to think the offering basket is a change machine." He said that he had even observed some members asking for change on dollar bills.
Due to the repeated interruptions, Spears said that the 7th grade bell choir "was forced to play the same piece three times" before the offering was complete. "It was bad enough the first time through," complained Spears seven paragraphs into his email.
Spears saved his harshest critique for an unnamed man sitting in one of the back rows. The member in question had asked for change on a $20 bill "and then he pocketed every last dollar bill!" ranted Spears before concluding the email with a reminder that the Lord loves a cheerful giver.