WASHINGTON D.C. --- Congress is set to release a massive bailout for struggling Adventist Book Center (ABC) stores. Lawmakers unanimously agreed today that emergency funding for ABCs could not wait.
"Walk into any ABC store in the country and the decor will leave you convinced you have been transported to 1993," said Senator Ted Cruz, voicing his support for the measure via video link from an undisclosed self-quarantine location.
The lawmaker said that while he himself was not Adventist, he'd been around enough Adventist-affiliated family to be intimately familiar with every Heritage Singers hit based on his hearing them on ABC store runs.
"If we don't do something soon, there will be no place in America where you can stock up on Big Franks AND pick up a handy Beasts of Revelation chart while being reminded not to forget the Sabbath," said Cruz.