FDA recommends haystacks as “most balanced meal in America”

FDA recommended
FDA recommended
SILVER SPRING, Md. — The US Food and Drug Administration (FDA) has rolled out a new set of recommendations for healthy eating. At the top of its list of recommended meals is what the agency calls “a vegetarian form of taco salad called ‘haystacks’ that is very popular with Seventh-day Adventists.”

In a statement released this morning, the FDA explained its recommendation by calling haystacks “the most balanced meal in America.” The FDA said the heavy presence of vegetables and an endless array of other fresh ingredients provide “a beautiful balancing of carbohydrates, fats, proteins, vitamins and minerals — as long as you don’t overdo the Fritos.”

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The announcement garnered an immediate reaction from the General Conference of Seventh-day Adventists. “We’ve always been big believers in the nutritional value of haystacks but it’s nice to get some external validation,” said GC spokesperson Gopher Sekends. “We haven’t been prouder as a church since Ben Carson first separated Siamese twins.”

He added that as much as the church welcomed the FDA’s endorsement of the Adventist favorite, he could think of other Adventist classics that also should be on the list. “Why stop with haystacks? Special K Loaf should be right up there too.”


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  1. Dr. Ben Carsinogen

    Haystacks are certainly wonderful. I eat them all the time, and look where they got me! “Let’s make Amerika great again!” Oh, sorry; that’s Donald Tramp’s slogan. I meant to say: “Let’s store haystacks in the Pyramids like Joseph did.” And I ain’t droppin’ out of this race until the donations dry up. When you find something really, really lucrative, keep doing it as long as you can. . . .

  2. Ted Cruise

    The Donald is having a bad air day (I mean, a bad toupee day) today and every day. I hope he won’t be traveling on Hairforce One anytime soon. Can’t Ted Wilson do anything about this? Maybe build a Great Wall of Haystacks around The Donald?

    • Hilarious Clinton

      I will miss Gentle Ben. Dr. Carson and John KaySick were the only adults on the stage. Guess who won the Republiclown debate? Hellery and the Democraps. Some establishment GOPs doubt if Tramp really is a Republiclown. No need to doubt; Mr. Tramp definitely is a real Republiklan. He will make Amerikka great again.

  3. Richard Mills

    Dear Ms. Web;;I’m back in the saddle again as of 3/8/16. What happened to our beloved Little Debbies, Veggie Dogs and the hot refreshing drink of Postum? Let’s all be inclusive here. Does tofu fit in here somewhere? I think I’m gonna go to McDonalds for a vanilla shake, fries & a veggie link smothered in mustard, catsup, relish, onions, peppers, mayo & hot cheese sauce. Soothes the tummy you know!! Look for the woebegone guy in the crumpled up shirt & messy hair. Woe iz me!!

  4. Pingback: Michelle Obama launches Friday Night Haystacks as White House tradition | BarelyAdventist

  5. Sanna

    They went on to say that they’ll modify what we commonly know as the food pyramid to now be a food haystack… Forget the plate analogy too, a haystack is so much easier to draw than a triangle or a circle.

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