Loma Linda: Jesus fed 5000 with five loaves and two veggie fish


LOMA LINDA, Calif. — Ever the proponents of healthy vegetarian eating, researchers at Loma Linda Univesity have reached a consensus on their interpretation of Jesus’ miracle of the five loaves and two fish: the fish were made from a meat substitute.

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“There is absolutely no way Jesus would have fed 5000 starving people meat,” said LLU Director of Selective Literalism, Podria Ser. “Looking back at the original manuscripts we feel that there is ample wiggle room for the word fish to be interpreted as “colorless, sodium-heavy meat substitute.”

Ser said that there was sufficient evidence to also prove that taste-wise the veggie fish had a Worthington / Loma Linda twist to them. “The jury’s out on any further specifics but for now we wanted to announce our findings as a reminder to keep Adventist church potlucks completely vegetarian,” said Ser.


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    • Jonah

      I know I can’t help but laugh at some of the names, and stories they come up with in here! I think the best I’ve seen so far is the ‘article’ about the iron that ‘stopped working’ before Sabbath.

  1. Ronn

    To be clear, (and blunt!!)… Jesus fed his followers; fish, bread, wine. Nice! He did NOT try to sell them unhealthy sodium/gluten substitutes. It’s not 5 Ruskets and some Wham!

  2. Howard Coatsell

    Little Debbies, Special K Loaf, and Haystacks are the trifecta of SDA cuisine. No potluck is complete without a generous heaping serving of Little Debbie’s health cookies. The more you eat, the healthier you get! And they’re vegetarian, to boot!

  3. Jonah

    Hahaha these are getting better and better!! There are such ridiculous names amd titles: ie “director of selective literalism”, I don’t know how anyone can think this is real!

    This is satire at is best! :)

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