LOMA LINDA, Calif. — Ever the proponents of healthy vegetarian eating, researchers at Loma Linda Univesity have reached a consensus on their interpretation of Jesus’ miracle of the five loaves and two fish: the fish were made from a meat substitute.
“There is absolutely no way Jesus would have fed 5000 starving people meat,” said LLU Director of Selective Literalism, Podria Ser. “Looking back at the original manuscripts we feel that there is ample wiggle room for the word fish to be interpreted as “colorless, sodium-heavy meat substitute.”
Ser said that there was sufficient evidence to also prove that taste-wise the veggie fish had a Worthington / Loma Linda twist to them. “The jury’s out on any further specifics but for now we wanted to announce our findings as a reminder to keep Adventist church potlucks completely vegetarian,” said Ser.
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