LOMA LINDA, Calif. — Ever the proponents of healthy vegetarian eating, researchers at Loma Linda Univesity have reached a consensus on their interpretation of Jesus’ miracle of the five loaves and two fish: the fish were made from a meat substitute.
“There is absolutely no way Jesus would have fed 5000 starving people meat,” said LLU Director of Selective Literalism, Podria Ser. “Looking back at the original manuscripts we feel that there is ample wiggle room for the word fish to be interpreted as “colorless, sodium-heavy meat substitute.”
Ser said that there was sufficient evidence to also prove that taste-wise the veggie fish had a Worthington / Loma Linda twist to them. “The jury’s out on any further specifics but for now we wanted to announce our findings as a reminder to keep Adventist church potlucks completely vegetarian,” said Ser.
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5,000 Jews; no way it wasn’t Lox & Bagels. Real wine @ the wedding, too! Welch’s is not a miracle …
I’m OK with vegi-trout I just want to know what port-a-potty contractor they used.
MOST LIKELY IT WAS A GENTILE OWNED PORTA POTTY COMPANY SINCE JEWS WOULD HAVE BEEN CONDEMNED FOR THAT CRA…! AND OH WELL, GENTILES LIKE ME HAVE CHRISTIAN LIBERTIES NOT ACCEPTED BY JEWS AND THE SDA.
5000 PEOPLE? REALLY? WHO COUNTED THEM?
7 Days? 12 Disciples? 144,000? A day is a year (until it isn’t )… Faith in numbers,my friend. The Rolling Stones got 500,000 in Rio & Hyde Park. I saw both; and I will certainly see Jesus!
I hope people understand that there was no butter or condiments with those breads and they were probably gluten free
Quite a clever name for the Director of Selective Literalism, “Podria Ser.” If you stretch your imagination far enough, maybe it “could be.”
I know I can’t help but laugh at some of the names, and stories they come up with in here! I think the best I’ve seen so far is the ‘article’ about the iron that ‘stopped working’ before Sabbath.
Did anyone complain about gluten free? Non GMO? Peanut allergy? We sure live in a different world today. Woe is me!!!
YES, SOME FANATICS COMPLAINED BUT THEY WERE TOLD TO LIKE IT OR LUMP IT.
I’m sure the 5,000 was an estimate from the regular and children’s offering, or based on gate receipts
To be clear, (and blunt!!)… Jesus fed his followers; fish, bread, wine. Nice! He did NOT try to sell them unhealthy sodium/gluten substitutes. It’s not 5 Ruskets and some Wham!
How do you know? You weren’t there. One thing for sure, the wine was vegan and gluten-free.
I THINK I HAD SOME OF THAT WINE, AND ANDY LOCKED ME UP.
Little Debbies, Special K Loaf, and Haystacks are the trifecta of SDA cuisine. No potluck is complete without a generous heaping serving of Little Debbie’s health cookies. The more you eat, the healthier you get! And they’re vegetarian, to boot!
Don’t forget Fri-Chik and Vega-Links.
Hahaha these are getting better and better!! There are such ridiculous names amd titles: ie “director of selective literalism”, I don’t know how anyone can think this is real!
This is satire at is best! 🙂