Southern bans Sabbath showers


COLLEGEDALE, Tenn. — Seventh-day Adventist churches within a 10-mile radius of Southern Adventist University have reported having to air out their sanctuaries after visits from Southern’s students this Sabbath. Due to new regulations established by the university, all campus-based showering has been banned from Friday sundown to Saturday sundown.

All kidding aside, click to learn more about Union College

SAU administrators have literally shut off water supply to residence hall showers during Sabbath hours leaving students with little choice but to embrace what many have come to refer to as “Sabbath funk.”

“These kids reek,” said Collegdale Church regular, Debbie Petite as she strode off purposefully in search of air fresheners in the church’s cleaning closets.

Petite said that as much as she was delighted to have Southern kids in church she would be recommending separate seating zones for the students who smelled so horribly Petite was unable to adequately perform this Sabbath’s responsive reading.

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  1. Judy Wright

    When I saw the headline, I was thinking showers…as in Baby showers, Bridal showers! and wondering if there had been an unusual number of those in the Southern community to merit such a write-up. Then, when I opened the link and saw the picture, I realized. Oh. SHOWERS showers. THAT kind. Now I get it.

  2. Ray Kraft

    Yes, well, showering is so much like work, and so often it’s just “doing our own pleasure” on the Sabbath, so, I get it. Maybe the church should ban all Adventists from bathing or showering from sundown Friday until sundown Saturday, as an article of faith.

    What puzzles me, though, is that if the Southern students shower on Friday, sometime before sundown, what are they doing to work up such a stink by Saturday morning?

  3. Fay

    After I was married I discovered that there was no way in Investigative Judgement that I could bring myself to go to Sabbath School after doing the Friday night ‘wild-thang’, without bathing, so I developed a secret compromise with Ellen: I would stand under dripping cold water for only a few minutes. It could hardly be argued as bathing or pleasureable

  4. Milly Brown-Rice

    Pray tell, why does everyone laugh so hard at these stories when they ain’t funny? This site publishes comical lies in the name of “satire.” Satire is one thing; lies are another; this story is neither one! You can stop hiding behind that silly screen name (“sevvy”). We know who you are; our private eye has identified you as Jared Wrong of Chattahoochee, north Florida. You are a great writer. Why not use your time and talent to write something true and worthwhile, like The Adventures of Captain Underpants or Harlequin Romance? Nobody (not even me) even reads this site anymore; and all the readers who write comments are a bunch of losers (including me). What is the world coming to? A nickel ain’t worth a dime anymore!

    • Come now, Milly, we now know who you really are! Supergirl, (the female version and spouse of Superguy, the human created, Adventist conception of humorless, Grumpy Grandpa God!) Now Grumpy Grandma God! Your cover is blown! Why are you taking time out from your Second Advent preparations (do you and Superguy work together?) to read Internet stuff? Give us a break! Hurry back, if you can. After 140 years of depressing prophecy failure, we finally found something funny about Adventism. Since you and your husband Superguy are a figment of our minds, we may have to rethink you and infuse a sense of joy! What do you think of that, huh?

      • Milly Brown-Rice

        Hey Larry, I appreciate your comment, and I find it amusing, but I refuse to read it. In fact, I agree with some of it, but I will not dignify it by reading it. Nor will I bother to write any replies to it, such as this one. I have more urgent things to do, such as twiddling my thumbs. :)

        P.S. I know who you are, too. I always enjoy your comments on this site and on AToday (where you are affectionately known as “Bugs”)–although I still insist that nobody even goes to these sites anymore because they’re too crowded.

      • Donald Dump

        I too agree with Larry’s comment, but I will not announce my agreement with it, until after I build a wall between the U.S. and Mexico to block undocumented taco salads from crossing the border and masquerading as haystacks.

      • Jev Butch

        I, too, agree with Larry’s comment, because my dad and brother agreed with it (even before Larry wrote it); and what’s good enough for my dad and brother is good enough for me.

    • Colonel "Bernie" Sanders

      Psh. Do you think these writers are capable of reaching the heights of literature that Harlequin romance novels exemplify? All they can come up with is subtle, thought-provoking, and hilarious social commentary. They could never hope to pen something so glorious as the famous Galloping Abs.

  5. Sam Clemens

    If I were a student at SAU, I would at least do a sponge bath Sabbath morning. Or at least get some of that funky “waterless shampoo” that they use to bathe bed-bound patients in hospitals. I mean seriously, there’s nothing worshipful about B.O. I should know — my fellow church members keep giving me unexpected gifts of perfumed soap, deodorant, mouthwash, and cologne, all nicely wrapped in gift paper. The little notes all say, “I thought you could really use this early Christmas present. Get the hint?”

  6. B. O. Smellie

    This report is a hoax. Check it out on snopes. com. I am a student at Southern, and I can assure you the water was not turned off in the showers. Come to think of it, though, I wish it was. IMHO, bathing is a waste of time. My mom always hounded me to bathe daily, and lack of water would be a great excuse to forego a shower!

  7. Hilarious Clinton

    All SAU students should transfer to La Sierra, where the drought has resulted in lack of water to flush toilets or run showers. The problem has been solved by piping in waste water from PUC. After showering in the piped-in waste water at La Sierra, these students will suffer even worse b.o., which will make their unshowered b.o. at SAU smell like a dozen roses, by comparison.

  8. planmeister

    I also DID NOT read Larry Boshell’s comment, but I somehow totally know what it says!!!

    I just want to point out that here in Left-Coast California, Gov. Brown has outlawed ALL showers on ALL weekdays and weekends. Forever. He muttered something like, “Get used to it.” Gawd I hope it rains and snows here in NorCal – and soon!!

  9. OTIS


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