Starbucks launches “Happy Sabbath” decaf coffee for GC San Antonio

Long lines are predicted at Starbucks outlets in and around the Alamodome…
SAN ANTONIO, Tex. — With two weeks to go before the Seventh-day Adventist Church commences its General Conference Session in San Antonio, coffee chain Starbucks has announced plans to mark the historic event with the launch of “Happy Sabbath,” a new line of decaf coffee.

“Although we have made some inroads into the Adventist market over the last decade, we realize that the Adventist aversion to caffeine has meant that our market penetration has mostly been limited to the rebels of the denomination,” said Buzz Smiley, a Starbucks branding spokesperson. He confirmed that the “Happy Sabbath” line of decaf products will be launched exclusively in San Antonio to coincide with the opening of the world meetings of the church.

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“If the new product is a hit we’ll roll it out to other Adventist population centers across the United States and Canada,” said Smiley.

Starbucks employees will be greeting each and every customer with a chipper “Happy Sabbath” greeting from Friday to Saturday sundown during the General Conference Session period (July 2 – 11). “Although Adventist attitudes toward Sabbath purchases of beverages and paninis vary, we fully expect to serve a majority Adventist crowd on these specific weekends,” said Smiley, “so we want to make sure we nail the Adventist vernacular.”

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  1. This is good! So much comical irony in this story. And the clever name “Buzz Smiley” for the spokesperson.

    For the unwary, however, please note the disclaimer on this site’s “About” page: “BarelyAdventist is a satire and humor blog on Adventist culture and issues.”

    “Please note that this story, like others on this site, is a joke. All characters and incidents appearing in this ‘report’ are fictitious or parodied. Any resemblance to real persons, living or dead (or events, past or future) is purely coincidental and/or is solely for purposes of parody, satire, irony, caricature, or comedy. If you do not find these stories funny, please see your doctor to check your sense of humor (or maybe he should check your pulse). After all, laughter is the best medicine.”

  2. Richard Mills

    Starbucks is on to this unique sales strategy. Just imagine going into other religious markets around the globe. Kosher coffee for the Jews. Ginsing coffee for the Chinese. Hare Krishna coffee for India. A special blend for the Amish. The list is endless. The bottom line is money or is it greed? If Starbucks can make the coffee out of tofu, non GMO stuff, non dairy, sugarless, less fat, low carbs, more vitamins, I just might drink that concoction! Yucky!
    Go for it, Starbucks!! Woe is me!

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