Congregation Faces Existential Crisis as Pastor Transcends Noon Sermon Limit

Bumbleton, Iowa – December 28, 2023 – The devoted assembly at Uptite Seventh-day Adventist Church, celebrated for its unwavering programming precision and steadfast Sabbath rituals, was thrust into a theological tempest this Sabbath: Pastor Milton Fiddlebottom accidentally preached five minutes past the sacred noon deadline.

In this act, Pastor Milton committed the ecclesiastical equivalent of juggling candelabras during the benediction. As the realization of his temporal transgression dawned upon him, his typically fervent sermon faltered into a nervous discourse, akin to a performer losing balance on a celestial tightrope, breaking with a resounding “tick-tock.”
As the minister stammered, whispers of theological debate fluttered through the air, like pages turning in a volume of Testimonies. Was Pastor Milton’s faux pas signaling a slippery descent into loosey-goosey worship?

Elder Gertrude Snodgrass, the church’s resident theologian and purveyor of particularly potent elderberry punch, cleared her throat with a vigor that could rattle hymnals. “This,” she declared, her voice reverberating like a foghorn as she interrupted the droning preacher, “is not a five-minute transgression, brothers and sisters! This is a seismic shift in the tectonic plates of Adventist orthodoxy!”

A collective gasp rippled through the pews. Elder Gertrude, known for her fiery pronouncements and her uncanny ability to discern heresy in buttered toast, had spoken. One by one, the members exited, stone faced and potluck-bound.


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