3ABN unveils Sabbath-appropriate 4th of July sparklers

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Sabbath Sparklers: have an Adventist 4th of July...
Sabbath Sparklers: have an Adventist 4th of July…
WEST FRANKFORT, Ill. — Due to the fact that this year’s 4th of July celebrations take place on a Friday night, the Three Angels Broadcasting Network (3ABN) has been running hourly announcements reminding viewers not to break the Sabbath in the name of patriotism.

A concerted, live effort by a rotation of the network’s show hosts has been running for the past week encouraging people to order 3ABN-manufactured-and-sanctioned Sabbath Sparklers instead of succumbing to the temptation of worldly fireworks displays.

Over the sound of distinctly dated acapella renditions of “Don’t Forget the Sabbath,” each network host cheerfully testifies that the Sabbath Sparkles emit “a tiny yet shiny taste of heaven right here on earth” and are “best enjoyed while watching your favorite 3ABN shows.”

Incredibly fast, pre-recorded “small print” instructions then play, stating that “each packet of Sabbath Sparkles comes pre-branded with the 3ABN logo and can be purchased for a discounted price of $99.99.”


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  1. Richard Mills

    I like the ones that sparkle to the Daniel 2 image, the beasts in Revelation, the outline of Noah’s Ark, Paul’s third journey, the 2nd Coming and finally, the sparks that will fly in 2015 GC session!!!!
    The Fourth will be on a Sabbath in 2015. Can’t wait to see sparklers, inchies and a few cherry bombs and the rockets red glare in 2015-San Antonio, Texas!! Woe is me!

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