Adventist Churches Not Re-Opening Until Everyone Gets Haircut

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ADVENTIST WORLD — Conference and union leaders across the Adventist world have warned their churches will stay shut until their members get haircuts.

“Lack of access to hair salons and barber shops during the coronavirus lockdown has meant just about every Adventist out there has been battling borderline evil coronavirus hair,” said Senior General Conference Toupée Consultant, Cal Boh.

“Adventist leaders have come to the unanimous decision that members need to get their hair sorted out before we re-start services.”

Boh said that no Adventist should go around assuming he or she is the exception to the grooming requirement.

“Nobody gave you Nazarene status,” said Boh. “The only people that don’t have to go take care of their hair are those who don’t have any.”

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