Adventist matriarch disfellowshipped for tattooing eyebrows

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Before and after pictures of Brown's eyebrows presented to the church board....
Before and after pictures of Brown’s eyebrows presented to the church board….
Grand Rapids, Mich. — Sixty-nine-year-old Elsa Brown, a long-time member of Grand Rapids-based Oak Lane Church was disfellowshipped yesterday after the church board determined that her eyebrows were actually tattoos.

After multiple meetings spent studying pictures and talking to people that know Elsa well or sit close to her in church, the church board determined that, beyond the shadow of reasonable doubt, the startling definition of Brown’s very new eyebrows was the direct result of a permanent eyebrow tattoo.

“It may seem a little harsh to friends of Elsa but anyone with a knowledge of tattoo culture knows about tattoo creep,” said church board member Bradley Nelson. “What starts out innocently as a mere accenting of the eyebrows can turn into full-on Justin Bieber in no time.” Nelson explained that the church leaders had felt compelled to nip Brown’s rebellious behavior in the bud. “If we let this slide then next week she could just stroll in with a nose ring.”

Nelson said that Brown knew better than to come to church “all tatted up.” He stressed that “people look up to her as a church matriarch. We can’t have her causing others to stumble down the path of vain and classless adornment.”

The church board has made clear that Brown is welcome back to church as a visitor providing she looks into a tattoo removal procedure. “Either that or she could opt for some serious Oakley shades,” said Nelson. “We are flexible and accepting as a church. No sin is greater than the next. It’s just that some are more visible than others.”

Many thanks to Kaleo for the story idea.

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  1. Richard Mills

    I guess every female in my church is gonna be disfellowshipped, cause most of them did something to their eyebrows. What about the guys who put a design in their new haircut?
    Maybe those with decorated fingernails & toenails need to go as well? I need to wash the dye out my hair. That church board should be re-baptized in the Red Sea or is it the Dead Sea? Woe is me!!

  2. Ray Kraft

    “No sin is greater than the next.”

    How true!

    We must remember, gettin’ tats is just as much a sin as armed robbery or murder or drinking real wine or coveting the pastor’s wife’s husband, and will just as surely send you off to sizzle and fry in the Lake of Fire.

    Even thinking about sinning is just as much a sin as really sinning, so if you’re even thinkin’ of gettin’ tats, you’ve already committed tattooing in your heart.

  3. Koby Vaneck-Vallis

    I guess that that tattooed nipples after breast cancer surgery would leave me out of church too. What next? Oh that we all be as perfect as that church board.

  4. Hahaha its fine God looks at heart now can you
    Go to church naked or holding a bottle of alcahol? Whats in the heart is shown by whats outside so you mean we continue to sin out side? Where does sin starts from to appear out is the heart

  5. Chrys

    I Am embarrassed to call myself a Seventh Day Adventist…shameful!!!! One day we will all have to answer for the things we have done and this board will be no different…

  6. Rick V.

    When Christ died on the cross, it was to pay for the sins of humanity past, present and future. To think that we must exact punishment on ANYONE is making a mockery of the price God paid to redeem his people. We should simply thank God for providing redemption since our actions could never provide it anyway. Organized religion of ANY kind is not Christianity. The plan of salvation is so simple. Too bad our churches have to complicate things.

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