Adventist Who Claims “Calories Don’t Count on Sabbath” Not Exactly Counting Them Any Other Day Either

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Riverside, Calif. – Local church member Brian Lendell is facing scrutiny after making his signature “calories don’t count on Sabbath” claim once again at last week’s potluck. According to multiple sources, Lendell was witnessed piling his plate precariously high with haystacks, mashed potatoes, and three different kinds of plant-based protein before proclaiming his convenient weekend mantra.

“We’ve all heard Brian use that line as he happily digs into the food,” said long-time church potluck attendee Jill Hargrove. “But if you see how he eats the rest of the week, you see he is deliberately distracting you with the Sabbath comment.”

Hargrove and others cited Lendell’s typical weekday breakfast which has been known to include two vegan sausage patties, a heaping mound of hashbrowns, multiple slices of toast loaded with nut butters and spreads, and at least one or two pre-lunch snacks of columbusbread or energy bars. And that’s just to start his day.

“We’re all for enjoying the Sabbath blessings of good food,” said Lendell’s sister-in-law, who wished to remain anonymous. “But Brian needs to stop acting like he’s Mr. Food Ascetic as soon as the sun goes down Saturday night. We all see you demolishing half a case of Trader Joe’s Meatless Corn Dogs for your Sunday ‘cheat meal.'”

When reached for comment about his “calories don’t count” claims and how they lead others to believe he’s a model of restraint during the week, Lendell simply replied, “I’ll pray for all the haters” before driving away in his car with not one, but two half-eaten vegan sloppy joes clearly visible on the passenger seat.


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