Adventists across America are devouring lavish Thanksgiving dinners armed with tales of grateful pilgrims at the very first Thanksgiving, sharing delicious Tofurky roasts with one and all.
“Having successfully fled religious persecution and the dangerous carnivorous habits of the Old World, pilgrims enjoyed the first recorded Thanksgiving spread which was as delicious as it was vegetarian,” said Adventist historian and fierce meat analogue proponent Sodeeum Bohm.
“The amazing inventiveness and forward-thinking health habits of the Plymouth Conlony pilgrims back in 1623 is an inspiration to us even today,” said Bohm, polishing off not his first but what he insists was not his seventh helping of Tofurky roast.
Bohm stressed that not only did the 17th century Tofurky dinner
provide excellent nutrition to brave pilgrims but it served as a sumptuous bridge builder between settlers and the native peoples of the area.
“Let no Adventist neglect the opportunity to be truly hospitable at this time of year,” said Bohm. “Nothing says “Happy Thanksgiving” better to the uninitiated than inviting them to your family dinner and presenting them with a plate of factory-made fake turkey.”
SPONSORED LINKS
Share this:
LOL!
I once took my mother, a life-long Adventist and vegetarian, a Tofurkery roast for Thanksgiving dinner . . . she didn’t like it.
Adventists’ obsession with vegetarianism is very strange, since Jesus does not mention it, Jesus was not a vegetarian, there is nothing at all about vegetarianism in the gospels, nothing about vegetarianism in the Bible.
One morning I sat across from three men in a McDonalds. They appeared to be two brothers, and the son of one of them. They were obviously Adventists, from what I could overheard of their conversation, and they made a very conspicuous point of ordering Egg McMuffins “with no meat, we’re vegetarians.”
They each ate two Egg McMuffins with no meat, two orders of supersize fries, and two milkshakes. They were all very large men. And they didn’t look very healthy. But, they were vegetarians!
I once saw a rather obese young gentleman die of a heart attack right there in the line at McDonalds. Felt sorry for the guy.
I ONCE DROVE BY A MCDONALDS ON MY WAY TO PORTILLLOS, NEVER THOUGHT OF STOPPING.
I saw an obese lady drop dead from a heart attack in Portillo’s too. (Not in the line, but in the dining area.) Felt sorry for her.
ACTUALLY, I ACCIDENTALLY TRIPPED HER TAKING MY FRIES. SAD, BUT FUNNY TOO
Howard Johnson…….. please update us constantly as to your location. We would like to avoid standing in any line next to you!
Simple Simon, I just saw one go down in Burger King. Felt sorry for him, too.
True vegetarians eat lots of fruits and vegetables and are rarely overweight. The ones that you see looking like retired sumo wrestlers are generally consuming lots of fat, grease, oil, sugar, empty calories, and sodium, in the form of highly processed, fried, and baked junk foods.
VEGGIE TAILS, THERE ARE NO POINTS FOR STATING THE OBVIOUS, NOW GOW WASH UP.
Vegetarian. Indian translation..,.,,,,poor hunter
Everybody knows that Jesus ate Vege-fish and the Pilgrims ate Tofurky. Even I know that, and I ain’t very smart.
your cuteness covers a lot of bases,…luckyforkyou…oops spell check is not working
Stop foolin’ with Mr. Pukin’ . He’s one of my friends and I stand by him. Now, go listen to my hip-hop campaign commercial.
That’s a cool name for the fierce meat analogue proponent, “Sodeeum Bohm.” Yup, the vege-meat really is a “sodium bomb.” Better limit your intake, and monitor your blood pressure, especially if you also like to pig out on Little Debbie’s snack cakes which are loaded with sugar, brimming with fat, overflowing with sodium, and packed with calories. I don’t know where we would be without this health message!
It is always a wonder to me why the Native Americans did not think they were being poisoned by this fake meat bird.
The Pilgrims actually got the Tofurkey from the Egyptian pyramids, so they were well preserved. The Native Americans knew they was no danger of food poisoning since Joseph stored it there. That’s my story, and I’m sticking with it.
Didn’t you know that Jesus fed the 5,000 with whole wheat bread and vege-fish? I should know; I was there and I saw it.
Sorry, Thomas, you need new glasses. I tasted it, and I know it was Loma Linda barley loaves and Little Debbie’s gluten-free VeganFishy snack cakes.
What? That isn’t what my mommy told me she put in my lunch box.
WHAT?
Hey Sue, it’s not mystery. The Little Boy with the Lunch says his mom did not tell him she was packing VegeFish and Loma Linda barley rolls when she sent him to see Jesus, and Jesus used the boy’s lunch to feed the 5,000.
I CANT GET DOWN A LUMP OF TOFURKEY.
Hey Bill, do they serve Tofurkey in jail?
DAMN I HOPE NOT, DOUBLE WAMMY. BUT I WILL BE ABLE TO GET MAIL ORDER WOMEN THOUGH
It should be a mortal, unforgivable sin to purchase, touch or eat a tofurky. It is disgusting no matter how it is doctored up. Toss it into the lake of fire before the next sundown. Give me a Nuteena with mayo & pickle sandwich anytime!! Woe is me!!
Wow! That’s weird. I love Tofurky. Every year I find myself anxious for Thanksgiving to come around so can pig out on the Tofurky. Now that putrid smelling “vegefish” should go to the lake of fire, but Tofurky is heavenly.
WOW ITS WEIRD THAT YOU HAVE DEEP EMOTIONS FOR FAKE TURKEY,
I agree. Cast the Tofurky into the Fire & Brimstone. Gimme some of date real Nuteena meat.
TO “FIRE & BRIMSTONE” WITH TOFURKY. I’LL TAKE NUTEENA.
NO MATTER HOW YOU ALL TRY TO DECOR THE FAKE STUFF, REAL TURKEY CANT BE DUPLICATED. GOD KNEW WHAT HE WAS DOING WHEN HE TOLD NOAH TO GO GET EM
ILL BE THR REAL MAN HERE. I HAD REAL TURKEY FOR THANKSGIVING, GOOD, HOWEVER, I HAVE THE RELIGIOUS LIBERTY TO DO SO
Who cares if they served Tofurky, as long as you vote for a woman for President. (And I’m NOT referring to Carly Flouride.) By the way, let me give you some womanly advice: never agree with your wife when she asks “Do I look fat in this dress?” Just say: “I prefer a different color.” Never admit that she looks old; just say “I prefer to talk about a different subject.” And never, ever admit that you can’t stand your mother-in-law. Just cross your fingers behind your back and say, “Unfortunately, I will have to be away on business while your mom is here for two weeks. Please give her my fondest greetings.” Bill was always a master a giving such good answers.
Yeah, Bill gave really “good” answers like “I did not have relations with that woman!” and “It depends on what the meaning of ‘is’ is.”
And “I did not inhale.”
WOMAN PRESIDENT, DONT BE SILLY
She can’t help it. All women presidents are silly.
Yes! Preach!