Adventists tell heartwarming tales of pilgrims sharing Tofurky at first Thanksgiving

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Adventists across America are devouring lavish Thanksgiving dinners armed with tales of grateful pilgrims at the very first Thanksgiving, sharing delicious Tofurky roasts with one and all.

“Having successfully fled religious persecution and the dangerous carnivorous habits of the Old World, pilgrims enjoyed the first recorded Thanksgiving spread which was as delicious as it was vegetarian,” said Adventist historian and fierce meat analogue proponent Sodeeum Bohm.

“The amazing inventiveness and forward-thinking health habits of the Plymouth Conlony pilgrims back in 1623 is an inspiration to us even today,” said Bohm, polishing off not his first but what he insists was not his seventh helping of Tofurky roast.

Bohm stressed that not only did the 17th century Tofurky dinner
provide excellent nutrition to brave pilgrims but it served as a sumptuous bridge builder between settlers and the native peoples of the area.

“Let no Adventist neglect the opportunity to be truly hospitable at this time of year,” said Bohm. “Nothing says “Happy Thanksgiving” better to the uninitiated than inviting them to your family dinner and presenting them with a plate of factory-made fake turkey.”



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  1. Ray Kraft


    I once took my mother, a life-long Adventist and vegetarian, a Tofurkery roast for Thanksgiving dinner . . . she didn’t like it.

    Adventists’ obsession with vegetarianism is very strange, since Jesus does not mention it, Jesus was not a vegetarian, there is nothing at all about vegetarianism in the gospels, nothing about vegetarianism in the Bible.

    One morning I sat across from three men in a McDonalds. They appeared to be two brothers, and the son of one of them. They were obviously Adventists, from what I could overheard of their conversation, and they made a very conspicuous point of ordering Egg McMuffins “with no meat, we’re vegetarians.”

    They each ate two Egg McMuffins with no meat, two orders of supersize fries, and two milkshakes. They were all very large men. And they didn’t look very healthy. But, they were vegetarians!

    1. VeggieTails

      True vegetarians eat lots of fruits and vegetables and are rarely overweight. The ones that you see looking like retired sumo wrestlers are generally consuming lots of fat, grease, oil, sugar, empty calories, and sodium, in the form of highly processed, fried, and baked junk foods.

  2. That’s a cool name for the fierce meat analogue proponent, “Sodeeum Bohm.” Yup, the vege-meat really is a “sodium bomb.” Better limit your intake, and monitor your blood pressure, especially if you also like to pig out on Little Debbie’s snack cakes which are loaded with sugar, brimming with fat, overflowing with sodium, and packed with calories. I don’t know where we would be without this health message!

    1. Ben Carsinogen

      The Pilgrims actually got the Tofurkey from the Egyptian pyramids, so they were well preserved. The Native Americans knew they was no danger of food poisoning since Joseph stored it there. That’s my story, and I’m sticking with it.

        1. Ashton Pete

          Hey Sue, it’s not mystery. The Little Boy with the Lunch says his mom did not tell him she was packing VegeFish and Loma Linda barley rolls when she sent him to see Jesus, and Jesus used the boy’s lunch to feed the 5,000.

  3. Richard Mills

    It should be a mortal, unforgivable sin to purchase, touch or eat a tofurky. It is disgusting no matter how it is doctored up. Toss it into the lake of fire before the next sundown. Give me a Nuteena with mayo & pickle sandwich anytime!! Woe is me!!

    1. Sloppy Joe

      Wow! That’s weird. I love Tofurky. Every year I find myself anxious for Thanksgiving to come around so can pig out on the Tofurky. Now that putrid smelling “vegefish” should go to the lake of fire, but Tofurky is heavenly.

  4. Hilarious Clinton

    Who cares if they served Tofurky, as long as you vote for a woman for President. (And I’m NOT referring to Carly Flouride.) By the way, let me give you some womanly advice: never agree with your wife when she asks “Do I look fat in this dress?” Just say: “I prefer a different color.” Never admit that she looks old; just say “I prefer to talk about a different subject.” And never, ever admit that you can’t stand your mother-in-law. Just cross your fingers behind your back and say, “Unfortunately, I will have to be away on business while your mom is here for two weeks. Please give her my fondest greetings.” Bill was always a master a giving such good answers.

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