“We decided that there wasn’t any use in simply wringing our hands about jewelry creep in our churches. We needed to speak up about it. In a big way,” said the Burnt Oak Major in Modesty Chair, Joe Bradey. “So we got to work.”
Any and all forms of church outreach, the February 14th Remnant Hearts Banquet and the Harvest Festival Vegetarian Canned Food Drive were canceled so that, in the words of Bradey, “we could put first things first.”
After a year of late-night work sessions powered by decaff coffee and dramatic swigs of Martinelli’s , the council presented the “Hell’s Hoops” campaign to an enthusiastic Church Board meeting.
The idea was elegant in its simplicity. Major in Modesty Creative Director Mary Kirkwood summed it up as “a 30-minute short film about Karen, a young woman whose life is torn apart by the blatant immodesty of her Forever 21 jewelry collection.”
Kirkwood went on to explain necessary expenses: “The bulk of the film’s budget will be spent on the pyrotechnics in the final scene as Karen comes to her senses and sets fire to her jewelry case and its contents valued at $37.55.”
“It’s go huge or go home, this final scene means that our total budget is going to be $250,000 but we should spare no expense in cracking down on immodesty,” explained Kirkwood. “We can’t have Karen donate the jewelry to a thrift store or anything, that would just spread the corrupting influence of those hoops. Destruction is the only way!”
Upon hearing this explanation, the church board voted unanimously to proceed with the project. “When I close my eyes I see scores of former jewelry addicts seeing this film and torching their earings,” said board member, Matilda Oakes. “This could start a revolution!”
To raise the production costs of the movie, the church held a Saturday night auction in the Fellowship Hall. The event was a massive success, featuring an impressive collection of Rolex watches as well as a smattering of high-end tie pins. A total of $550,000 was raised from member property.
“We are so excited to be able to finally shoot this film. There is no place for vain adornment in this church,” said Bradey on his way out the door to his Maserati.
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