SILVER SPRING, Md. — In an effort to increase compliance across the denomination, the General Conference has established the Department of Witch-Hunting whose staff were ordered to immediately inspect every broom closet in the building for suspicious activity.
The department will deal with all the colorful rumors that get sent in to the GC on a daily basis and will also process the suspicions of senior GC officers, the daily volume of which often equals the torrent of gossip coming in from lay members worldwide.
Witch-Hunting department staff have also deployed to major academic centers across the Adventist world. They are paying special attention to Science and Humanities department as well as anyone who fact-checks Uncle Arthur’s Bedtime Stories.