GC Recommends Extra Long Skirts for Maximum Modesty During Time of Trouble

SILVER SPRING, Md. — The General Conference sent out an urgent announcement today reminding members of the need for “maximum modesty throughout the Time of Trouble.”

In a press release that seemed to mix practicality with prophecy, Elder Ezekiel Brown, hill navigation spokesperson for the General Conference, remarked, “As we anticipate the challenges of the time of trouble, it’s essential that Adventists are prepared, and that includes their wardrobe. We encourage all sisters to don extra long skirts to ensure maximum modesty during any unexpected fleeing scenarios.”

“I’m all for being prepared, but have they considered the logistics of trekking through the wilderness in a floor-length skirt?” asked Collegedale native, Skylar Swift. “I’m pretty sure that’s a recipe for tripping over rocks and branches, not to mention attracting unwanted attention from bears!”

“I’m thinking of being noncompliant on this one,” said Rebecca Knowbetter, indignantly. “I doubt the compliance committee will have much authority as we are fleeing for the hills.”

It’s unclear what dress code GC AdCom has settled on for their own escape to the hills. The press release did warn against wearing GC session T-shirts as that could make things “too easy for the bad guys.”

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