Spicknspan, Mich. — In a stunning display of dedication and unwavering commitment, local Adventist churchgoer, Harold Pious, has announced that he is reaching the final stages of baptism preparedness. The only thing missing? He must achieve perfection first.
“I’ve been attending church faithfully for years,” Harold proudly proclaimed, “and I’m determined to be baptized as soon as I become the epitome of righteousness. It’s all or nothing for me.”
When asked how he plans to achieve this lofty aspiration, Harold responded, “I have compiled a checklist of dos and don’ts that I must strictly follow. No more late-night snacking, no more sneaking in an extra episode of my favorite TV show on the Sabbath. I even bought a self-help book on achieving perfection. It’s all about discipline and self-control.”
Harold’s checklist, dubbed “The Perfection Manifesto,” contains an extensive list of requirements, ranging from impeccable dress standards to flawlessly executed acts of kindness. It even includes an instruction manual on walking on water, just in case.
The local church pastor, Pastor Humble, expressed both admiration and concern for Harold’s ambitious pursuit. “We applaud Harold’s dedication to living a righteous life,” Pastor Humble said. “But we must remember that baptism is not a reward for perfection. It’s a symbol of our commitment to grow in grace and be transformed by God’s love. We’re praying that Harold realizes this and doesn’t drown himself in the process.”
Harold’s fellow church members have been observing his journey with a mix of amusement and trepidation. “We’ve seen Harold agonize over the tiniest slip-ups,” shared one churchgoer. “He once confessed to accidentally using the wrong shade of red for his Sabbath tie and spent an entire week fasting as punishment.”
The Graceful Haven congregation is eagerly waiting to witness the moment when Harold finally reaches his long-awaited state of flawlessness. Many have even started placing bets on the year it will happen, with odds favoring the second coming of Christ over Harold’s baptism day.
As Harold’s journey to perfection continues, the congregation rallies behind him, offering words of encouragement, prayers, and the occasional plate of freshly baked vegan cookies to alleviate the pressure.
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