Local Saint Begins Every Day Praying for God to Smite Her Enemies

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In a stunning display of faith and passive aggression, a local woman has taken up a new morning ritual that has everyone at her local Adventist congregation watching their back. Meet Susan McDivine, the self-proclaimed “Prayer Warrior” who starts her day with a heavenly hit list.

Susan’s daily routine begins like any other, with a fresh cup of Roma and a quick scroll through her social media feed. But here’s where things take a turn. Armed with her smartphone and a righteous sense of indignation, Susan unleashes a barrage of prayers aimed at her perceived enemies.

“It’s like my morning worship, but with more lightning bolts,” Susan says with a sly grin. “I figure God must be too busy to keep track of everyone’s sins, so I’m here to help out.”

Her enemies list reads like a who’s who of her church and immediate community, including the neighbor/head elder with the loud lawnmower, the barista who always spells her name wrong on her decaf latte, and even her own cat, Mr. Whiskers, for knocking over a potted plant last week.

Susan insists that her intentions are pure, though she can’t help but add a touch of sarcasm to her divine requests. “Dear Lord, please grant Karen the wisdom to park her car straight just this once,” she prays, her eyes twinkling. “And maybe a little humility for my mother-in-law. She’s not the Pope, but some days, it’s a close call.”

Local Adventist leaders are divided on Susan’s unique prayer strategy. Pastor Nelson, of Graceful Gathering SDA, commented, “Well, we do encourage our congregation to pray for their enemies, but Susan’s approach is certainly… creative.”

As for the divine response to Susan’s prayers, there have been no reports of thunderbolts or plagues hitting her enemies just yet. But she remains undeterred, convinced that one day, heaven will heed her call.


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