Loma Linda Releases “Nothing Is Impossible Burger”

Have some faith.
LOMA LINDA, Calif. — Loma Linda University nutritionists launched the Nothing Is Impossible Burger earlier today in a bid to “reassert Adventist veggie product mojo” in an increasingly crowded vegan burger space.

The new Adventist burger is positioned to directly compete with the vegan Impossible Burger patties that have recently taken the plant-based eating world by storm.

The Nothing Is Impossible Burger is being marketed by a group of seven of the “sexiest centenarians in our Blue Zone that veggie swear by these patties” says advertizing copy from Loma Linda University.

The school vows that eating the new burgers virtually guarantees that you too will live as long as these chipper brand ambassadors, possibly even longer if you commit to not eating the patties with mustard.


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  1. Hartmut W Sager

    What’s wrong with mustard?? Just because it doesn’t go well with Little Debbies (probably nothing does), is no reason to disparage it. It too, along with other classic staples like cocoa, have proven themselves beneficial to humans long before some mere 150-year-old “new light” came along to claim otherwise.

  2. Marcy

    You are getting more and more sacrilegious. This borders on blasphemy. burgers aren’t omnipotent.
    I have unsubscribed, as you are no longer dealing with real issues, but only addressing mundane issues that don’t amount to anything important.

  3. Richard Mills

    Mustard is Biblical. Jesus used that word. If it is OK with Him, its OK with me. My Loma Linda sources tell me that the lab people found a way to extract some kind of flavor derived from real meal meat for real meat taste. We just had some at a pot luck last week. Nobody could tell the difference. Vegan-Schmeegan. Who cares? I’m off to Burger King. They will fry my Amy burgers for me right on the grill on request. Yummy Yummy-good for the tummy.

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