COLLEGEDALE, Tenn. — In a first for Adventist educational institutions worldwide, Southern Adventist University’s Advancement Department has announced an end to all fundraising activities effective immediately. The decision was made possible by what Southern’s administration has described as a “torrent of revenue from student fines.”
“Southern offers a generous menu of fineable offenses,” said Bubba Cummings, a junior accountant in Southern’s Financial Administration office. “For guys alone we currently have a fine list of 36 offenses including five that are public worship related, as well as separate fines for first and second jewelry offenses. We can even fine our students for having television sets larger than 32″. It’s amazing!”
“Everyone knows we run a tight ship here,” said VP for Student Services, John Bakely. “We aren’t apologizing for it and we are delighted that our fine revenues have grown to the point where we are able to build Southern’s future without the hassle of begging alumni for cash.”
Southern’s administration is confident that fine revenues will continue to rise and provide the funds needed to complete major construction plans on the blossoming campus. “To keep up with rising revenue demands the university will simply expand the scope and size of fines,” said Fred Fergusson, the university’s very first VP of Creative Revenue Streams.
Although student government leaders have vowed to protest Southern’s new financial strategy, alumni have reacted very positively to the news. “Quite frankly it was getting tiring hearing about fundraising campaigns every other month. I say fine the kids and leave us alone!” said Sue Chaptan, President of Southern Alumni’s Atlanta chapter.
The craziest fine on Southern’s list is for the “offense” of jewelry. This is a good example of man making his own doctrines, which contradict the Bible.
The Bible is actually clear that God gave jewelry to the Israelites as a blessing. For example, here are just a few of the many verses that speak positively about jewelry:
* “As an earring of gold, and an ornament of fine gold, so is a wise reprover upon an obedient ear.” Psalms 25:12.
* “My soul shall be joyful in my God; for . . . he hath covered me with the robe of righteousness, . . . as a bride adorneth herself with her jewels.” Isa 61:10.
* God Himself says: “I put bracelets upon thy hands, and a chain on thy neck. And I put a jewel on thy forehead, and earrings in thine ears.” Ezekiel 16:11-13.
Costly name-brand clothes, Michael Kors handbags, Rolex watches, or expensive cars should not be the ultimate source of our feelings of beauty and self-worth. (1 Tim 2:9) But the Bible simply does not condemn jewelry. That idea is not biblical. It is a false gospel that elevates externals above the heart.
No amount of outward “simplicity” or plainness can save us. Jesus is our standard of truth. He said salvation comes through loving God with all our heart, and loving our neighbor as our self. (Luke 10:27) I have found peace in a love relationship with Christ. I no longer see Christianity as a set of rules and regulations. “For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.” (Matthew 11:30).
Jewelry is biblical. Anyone who imposes fines for jewelry is “worshiping in vain, teaching as doctrines the commandments of men.” Mark 7:7.
Thanks for the laugh. As a product of Walla Walla I was amazed to read the fine list when my son went to SAU.
You never see Bank of America doing a capitol campaign…
Satirical in this instance means based on real rules…!
Just looked at the fee schedule and rule book from the above link. There are more rules than a Low Security Federal Prison. Many are just plane stupid and petty. Reminds me of the reasons I couldn’t stand PUC, and got out of there after a year and a half. Mandatory worships were my death. Required to attend just plane crappy worships. Not one thought was given to quality or logic or even Jesus. I sure hope its better these days. I bet if any student actually read the Handbook they wouldn’t attend. They would be terrified of the Religious Police.