Southern Adventist University Fining Students For Coffee Breath

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Collegedale, Tenn. – Always on the forefront of Adventist student regulation, Southern Adventist University announced today it has started fining students for coffee breath. Any student accused of on-site coffee breath will immediately be tested by campus safety. In the interest of COVID avoidance, campus safety staff will not physically smell the suspect’s breath but will require the student to blow into a newly-patented breathalyzer that detects coffee consumption levels. If the student “tests positive,” a fine will be applied reflecting how much caffeine was consumed. “This is an exact science,” said a Campus Safety announcement to the student body, adding that “if your coffee breath is particularly strong we’ll immediately increase the fine to reflect the additional shot(s) of espresso in your last drink.”  

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