Southwest Airlines buys Southwestern Adventist University

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Expectations for Southwestern are sky high...
Expectations for Southwestern are sky high…
DALLAS, Texas — Southwest Airlines has announced the acquisition of Southwestern Adventist University in a bid to rebrand the school as “THE Low Fare College Ride.”

The airline’s first venture into the education sector is seen as a gamble to many, but Southwest Airlines said that according to due diligence research, nothing associated with Seventh-day Adventism has the slightest tie to gambling.

“Plus, Southwestern’s name made them sound like we already owned them, so it was worth the risk,” said spokesperson Steel Lovefield.

He added that if quality, affordable college education matters to America, it matters to Southwest, and that it was time for the highly successfully airline to spread its wings and revolutionize other sectors.

Southwestern’s Adventist identity was welcomed aboard as well. “We think it’s just plain smart for Southwestern to celebrate its religious heritage,” insisted Lovefield.

He said that personal faith was important to Southwest: “Why else did we brand ourselves as ‘The Somebody Else Up There Who Loves You?'”


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  1. richard mills

    Will SW airlines give a student/faculty discount? If so, I want to join up. I need a change of pace in my golden years. New scenery, new faces, new challenges, etc.
    Woe iz me!

    1. Fido Castro

      You would have more excitement in your golden years if you visit a war zone like Iraq, Syria, or the Ukraine. Why settle for tame geriatric sight-seeing tours?

    2. Hilarious Clinton

      You should go to a fundamentalist rattlesnake-handling church for some real excitement. Or try charming a cobra in India. Or hunting for lions in Africa on foot. . . . Get up out of that La-Z-Boy and do something different!

  2. Ray Kraft

    Donald Trump just called to tell me he read about this, now he’s planning to buy Southwest Airlines and ALL the Adventist colleges and rebrand them Trump Adventist University and bundle them into a for-profit corporation do an IPO and make another nine billion dollars before anybody realizes they’re all nonprofits.

    1. Donald Tramp

      Ray, stop sharing my secrets. You’re worse than Ben Carson. Plus, what I actually told you, is that I’m planning to buy the SDA colleges for pennies on the dollar and run them into the ground with fraudulent programs like I did with Tramp University. Now please don’t go telling that secret to anyone. Can I trust you to keep your mouth closed this time?

  3. Interesting name for the spokesperson, “Steel Lovefield.” Reminds me of the Dallas Love Field Airport. It also reminds me of the Chattanooga Metropolitan Airport known as “Lovell Field,” close to Southern Adventist University. Maybe Southwest should buy Southern, too. At least the two names share the first syllable.

    1. Burny Sanders

      They could also buy Andrews because it has some of the same letters in the name. But, on second thought, we need to break up the big airlines just like I’m going to break up the big banks.

  4. Ted Cruise-control

    Since Southwestern is in my senate territory and my wife is a former SDA, I should have some say about this deal. If I’m elected President after a contested convention, I will rip this deal to shreds on my first day in office!

  5. Killary Clinton

    Why don’t Southwest purchase the college in my state of Arkansas, “the armpit of America”? That would be more reflective of “The [Real] Low Fare College Ride.” Hopefully they have a branch campus in the local correctional facility, and I could work there making license plates after E-mailgate.

  6. D.C. News

    BREAKING NEWS! Marco Rubio is Donald Trump’s pick for VP running mate. Go Trump/Rubio! If Rubio declines, Trump announced he will ask Doug Batchelor. Go Trump Batchelor! If Batchelor declines, Trump announced that he will select Vladimir Putin’. Go Trump/Pukin’ !

  7. Joe Cultpack

    ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍When members first join a cult, they are treated positively, showered with courteous attention, and are invited to take part in social activities with the group and its leader. Compliance at this stage can be a result of social pressure, but may also come as a result of politeness, or out of curiosity.
    ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍Once these positive experiences entice new recruits to stay, older members begin to treat them critically, isolating them and forcing them to take part in lectures about the fundamental beliefs of the group. The cult diminishes the recruit’s sense of self and her ability to make good decisions, so compliance results from an effort to reduce these negative aspects of group membership.
    ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍Eventually, the recruits will experience “identification,” where they will comply with the group and its leader because they want to please them, and often because they would like to imitate them. The level of compliance is gradually increased, until the recruits are made to comply with extreme demands.
    ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍The cult members eventually begin to adopt the beliefs and values of the group as their own, and will openly make sacrifices for the group. At this point, the recruits have become devoted members at the “internalization” stage, which goes hand in hand with “consolidation” where allegiance to the group is solidified and there is total acceptance of all aspects of the cult.

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