Stampede at Church Blamed on Hot New Guy

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Berrien Springs, Mich. – Chaos erupted at Parched Ground Seventh-day Adventist Church last Sabbath when an attractive new man made a surprise appearance.

The minute the well-dressed and seemingly literate male stepped foot inside the church, a ripple of anticipation spread through the pews like wildfire. Whispers and excited chatter filled the air, as single females sent up prayers of thanks and quietly plotted how best to elbow the competition out of the way as soon the final Amen was uttered.

Nobody listened to a word of the sermon and everyone ignored the invitation from the worship leader to remain seated for the postlude. Instead the sound of heels clacking in the direction of the bachelor echoed throughout the sanctuary.

The scene resembled a wildlife documentary, as the single women stampeded toward the unsuspecting hottie.

The only church members not excited were the (small) handful of other single men in the church. Realizing they were now mere background noise, they collectively sighed and shook their heads.

And then, as quickly as the man had caused euphoria, he dashed the hopes of half the congregation as his face lit up at the sight of his wife and two adorable toddlers who had just arrived through the back door of the sanctuary in time for potluck.



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