SAN ANTONIO, Texas --- General Conference Session parliamentarians have announced an absolute lockdown of the Alamodome at GC San Antonio until the delegates who have just voted on the ultra-sensitive women's ordination issue have, in parliamentary spokesperson Tchill Pihl's words, "hugged it out."
Tensions are running high in the immediate aftermath of delegates voting to not allow world divisions to make decisions in their own geographical regions on the issue of whether to ordain women as ministers in the Seventh-day Adventist Church. The winning "NO" vote means that the official policy of the Seventh-day Adventist Church remains opposed to the practice of female ministers being ordained.
"Nobody is going anywhere unless we act like Adventist grown-ups and give each other the loving embrace needed to begin to heal the divide that this sensitive issue has caused," said Pihl.
He added that, to further incentivize delegates of opposing views to make up, tens of thousands of innocent Adventist spectators also present will be forced to stay in the Alamodome until delegates have smoothed over their differences.
"I've got all night," said Pihl, "So you better hop to it. Or this will turn into the largest Adventist lock-in you've ever seen."
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