Alamodome on lockdown following women’s ordination vote until both sides hug it out

These guys better get to hugging...
These guys better get to hugging…
BREAKING NEWS

SAN ANTONIO, Texas — General Conference Session parliamentarians have announced an absolute lockdown of the Alamodome at GC San Antonio until the delegates who have just voted on the ultra-sensitive women’s ordination issue have, in parliamentary spokesperson Tchill Pihl’s words, “hugged it out.”

All kidding aside, click to learn more about Union College

Tensions are running high in the immediate aftermath of delegates voting to not allow world divisions to make decisions in their own geographical regions on the issue of whether to ordain women as ministers in the Seventh-day Adventist Church. The winning “NO” vote means that the official policy of the Seventh-day Adventist Church remains opposed to the practice of female ministers being ordained.

“Nobody is going anywhere unless we act like Adventist grown-ups and give each other the loving embrace needed to begin to heal the divide that this sensitive issue has caused,” said Pihl.

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No one is going anywhere until we see some love…
He added that, to further incentivize delegates of opposing views to make up, tens of thousands of innocent Adventist spectators also present will be forced to stay in the Alamodome until delegates have smoothed over their differences.

“I’ve got all night,” said Pihl, “So you better hop to it. Or this will turn into the largest Adventist lock-in you’ve ever seen.”

Today is crucial for female SDA pastors around the world. Show them your love by following @ourWednesday on Instagram

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12 Comments

  1. Ray Kraft

    Did the Conference again vote to affirm the inferiority of women? Truth, or satire?

    Probably truth, the only satire is the hugging part. A church determined to cling to the social traditions of 2,000 years ago, when everybody knew that men should run the circus and women should stay in the kitchen.

    To the best of my recollection, Jesus said nothing about not ordinating women.

    As far as that goes, Jesus never said “Make a new church, called it Christian, and worship me!”

    When asked what was the greatest commendment, Jesus said, “To love God with all your heart, and the second is the same as the first, to love your neighbor as you love yourself. This is the law, and the prophets.”

  2. Sheryal Vandenberghe

    You guys have really outdone yourselves this week. I’ve been in stitches !!!!! So imaginative and creative. I’m always startled at the number of people who don’t realize it’s satire !!!!!

  3. ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍The vote did not pass on July 8, but it came pretty close. About 41 percent of the delegates voted Yes. The significance of the No vote is that the status quote remains in place. The status quo / current policy is that women are “commissioned” as clergy (over 3,500 female pastors serve local churches already). If the vote had passed, the Divisions (the 13 top-level regional offices) would have received the authority to decide whether to call them “ordained.” As it is, these women will continue to be “commissioned” to the ministry.
    ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍The Unions (mid-level regional administrative offices) will still have the authority to decide to ordain these women pastors. Six unions have already chosen to ordain them, including the Pacific Union and the Columbia Union. It is important to understand that the Adventist Church already had, and will continue to have, female clergy. Most will still be called “commissioned” but some will be called “ordained” as more unions choose to take that route. http://EqualOrdination.com/actual-significance/

    • STU REDMAN

      THE GC SHOULD HAVE SPLIT, ITS THE DEMOCRATIC THING TO HAVE DONE. THOSE WHO WANT FEMALE PASTORS COULD HAVE FORMED A NEW GC, MAYBE CALLED IT GCW….. (GENERAL CONFERENCE WOMEN).

  4. Just in case some don’t know, please note the disclaimer on this site’s “About” page: “BarelyAdventist is a satire and humor blog on Adventist culture and issues.”

    “Please note that this story, like others on this site, is a joke. All characters and incidents appearing in this ‘report’ are fictitious or parodied. Any resemblance to real persons, living or dead (or events, past or future) is purely coincidental and/or is solely for purposes of parody, satire, irony, caricature, or comedy. If you do not find these stories funny, please see your doctor to check your sense of humor (or maybe he should check your pulse). After all, laughter is the best medicine.”

  5. Nick Scavo

    FLORIDA CONFERENCE AND BILL KNOTT WANT ADVENTIST COMMENTARY VOLUME 7 PAGE 914 ELLEN WHITE COMMENT WHICH STATES ELDERS AND DEACONS ARE TO BE SUITABLE MEN DELETED AND REMOVED FROM ALL ADVENTIST CHURCHES

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