Thousands of single Adventists furiously flirting on last GC day

Hanging out at Adventist university booths ups the odds of meeting someone exponentially...
Hanging out at Adventist university booths ups the odds of meeting someone exponentially…
SAN ANTONIO, Texas — With the doors of the ark-like Alamodome about to close for good on the San Antonio General Conference Session, single Adventists are swarming around each other in an all-out flirting frenzy hoping to up their chances of landing an Adventist mate of higher quality than the decidedly average duds on offer back at their local churches.

“If you’re in it to win it you realize that this is a numbers game,” said Vespa Deight, a representative from AdventistDate.¬†Waving at a crowd pulsing with animated gestures and chipper chatter, she said that she advises single Adventists to give this weekend all they’ve got. “Put on your most Sabbathy outfit, put a smile on your face and just go be a conqueror,” she encouraged.

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Deight said that over the course of the last 10 days she has reminded everyone from desperate single pastor delegates to recent Adventist college graduates that the final GC Sabbath is the ultimate opportunity to turn their romantic fortunes around.

“Thousands of people have flown in for this final Sabbath and everyone is determined to get their money’s worth,” said Deight. “This is an Adventist veggie meat market.”

Deight suggests that hopefuls prayerfully commit themselves to boldness for the entire day. In a remarkably Adventist mix of metaphors she said, “I tell everyone the same thing: Don’t throw your pearls to the swine. If someone isn’t biting, move on. You won’t have this many options for another five years.”

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  1. Ray Kraft

    Huh? There are swine at the GC? Unclean veggie meat? I had no idea . . . but I seem to learn something new every day. And Adventists like to date people who bite them? And if they don’t get bit they move on?

    Very strange.

  2. L.N Geewythe

    It was absolutely amazing jungle of male and female adventists engaging in the most intense wooing exchange the SDA world has ever witnessed. After traveling for 13 hours, I donned my most appealing attire: my unparalleled knowledge of the scriptures and an outfit Mrs. Ellen G White herself would have written an entire book about. There was not a single male prospect who didn’t receive a dazzling smile from me–promising years of consistent family worships and happiness that only a god-fearing virtuous woman can offer.
    My SDA spouse potential skyrocketed from a meager -1 to a full 4.5. As I board my plane, I can’t help but gaze into the heavens and thank the good Lord for making GC possible and giving us all the adequate will and desperation to find only the best sda marriage candidates.

  3. Richard Mills

    Oh, to be young once more!! If I were in that age group, I would give you girls a run for your money. See you all in Indianapolis-2015. I will be going backward in time!! Woe is me.

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