SILVER SPRING, Md. — In a move that surprised absolutely no one, the General Conference Executive Committee has officially enshrined a 29th fundamental belief: every problem, no matter how big or small, is best tackled by forming a new committee.
That’s right, folks! When faced with a leaky baptistery or a disagreement over the proper temperature for the sanctuary, the answer is clear: gather a diverse group of individuals with varying levels of expertise (and questionable internet history) and have them hash it out over endless cups of lukewarm Pero and stale Fig Newtons.
“This is a historic moment for Adventism,” declared one anonymous General Conference official, his voice thick with emotion (and possibly a lingering cough from the poorly ventilated committee room). “For too long, we’ve relied on outdated methods like, you know, actually doing things. Now, with the power of the 29th fundamental belief, we can ensure that every issue receives the proper level of bureaucratic scrutiny, even if it takes a decade and a small fortune in travel expenses to reach a resolution that vaguely resembles a solution.”
Examples abound:
- Is the church piano slightly out of tune? Form a committee to explore the feasibility of purchasing a new one, researching alternative tuning methods practiced by obscure indigenous tribes in the Amazon rainforest, and composing a hymn specifically dedicated to the virtues of well-tempered scales.
- Need to decide what color to paint the church basement? A committee, naturally! They’ll spend months deliberating over paint swatches, conducting surveys amongst the congregation (with a heavy bias towards the loudest voices), and finally settling on a shade of beige so unremarkable it would make a government office building blush.
- Facing a theological quandary that has perplexed theologians for centuries? Don’t be ridiculous! Just form a committee of passionate laypeople with limited theological training and a burning desire to “get to the bottom of things.” Bonus points if they can throw in some Ellen White quotes and a healthy dose of personal anecdotes.
So, the next time you encounter a challenge, big or small, remember: in Adventist Land, the answer always lies in the formation of a new committee. Just be sure to pack your patience, your appetite for disappointment, and a good book – those meetings can take a while.
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