Adventist College Kid Picking Church Fully Based On Quality of Potluck

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In a move that has surprised absolutely no one familiar with Adventist church culture, local Adventist university student Jason Frimbly has based his entire church home decision on one key factor – the potluck game.

Frimbly, an environmental studies major, reportedly spent the better part of his freshman year “potluck hopping” around the various Adventist churches in the college area, judging each congregation’s covered dish offerings through a scrutinous, finely-tuned process of his own design.

“It’s no simple transaction, my friend,” he said, grabbing a second helping of lentil loaf. “You’ve got to consider the overall vibe and aesthetic of the spread – a nice setup is crucial. Then you’ve got to run the gamut on both the classic hits like green bean casserole and haystacks, but also keep an eye out for those sleeper ethnic delicacies that’ll really set a potluck apart.”

“And,” he added gravely, “you’d better hope they don’t cheap out on the Loma Linda veggie chik’n situation. That’s an auto-fail in my book.”

Despite his protestations that “church is about way more than just the food,” sources confirm that within minutes of arriving at his first prospective church’s “fellowship lunch,” Frimbly had his checklist of potluck criteria out and was feverishly jotting observations.

“Mashed potatoes were a little runny, but they had that vegan cheesy broccoli thing that slapped,” he said, squinting at his notes. “Cucumber salads were on point too. Drinks were a letdown though – the mango punch game was weak.”

At press time, a despondent Frimbly was reportedly already making plans to transfer from the college after being informed that the local Adventist potlucks were just “the pregame” to the real feasts hosted by the area’s Korean church communities.


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