Adventist Dating Site Hacked – User Profiles Now Include ‘Second Coming Compatibility Scores’

The popular Adventist dating app “HeavenlyMatch.com” has fallen victim to a cyberattack, resulting in the exposure of sensitive user information. 

The breach, discovered last week, has left thousands of Adventist singles vulnerable to having their personal data compromised. While the app’s administrators are working tirelessly to address the security breach, users are now faced with an unexpected twist in their quest for love.

“We deeply regret this breach of privacy and are doing everything in our power to rectify the situation,” said HeavenlyMatch.com CEO, Harold Halpert. “But we also see this as an opportunity to enhance the matchmaking experience for our users.”

Indeed, along with the exposure of personal information such as names, addresses, and preferences for haystack toppings, the breach revealed that each user’s profile now includes a “Second Coming Compatibility Score.” This score purportedly measures how closely aligned two individuals’ beliefs are regarding the timing and significance of the Second Coming of Jesus Christ.

“It’s a game-changer,” remarked longtime HeavenlyMatch.com user, Brenda Sanders. “Now, not only can I find someone who shares my love for Sabbath hikes and veggie potlucks, but I can also ensure that we’re on the same page when it comes to eschatology.”

However, not everyone is thrilled about the new feature. Some users have expressed concerns about the accuracy of the compatibility scores and the potential for their personal beliefs to be exploited.

“I joined this service to find love, not to have my theological beliefs scrutinized and rated,” complained disgruntled user, Peter Davidson. “I’m not sure how comfortable I am with the idea of my compatibility with potential matches being reduced to a numerical score based on something as complex as eschatology. I think the app developers are just trying to distract us from the data breach.”

Despite the controversy surrounding the new feature, HeavenlyMatch.com insists that it will remain a permanent fixture on the website.

“We believe that this addition will ultimately lead to more successful matches and happier marriages,” stated Halpert. “After all, what could be more important than finding someone to make future Pathfinders with that shares your faith and your hopes for the future?”

 


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