Although ER staff had difficulty deciphering his speech, the Los Angeles native identified as Tar Zane attributed the neck pain to “a badly fitted yoke I’ve been wearing since I got married in February.”
Adventist staff picked up on the New Testament marriage analogy and called a hospital chaplain who was able to talk to Zane. He found out that the uncomfortable yoke to which he referred was not one of religious differences with his wife.
“We are both super Adventist and not a day goes by without us cracking open a Worthington can, but I’d like to win at least one argument once in a while,” said Zane with a look of defeat in his tired eyes.
Saying he had no idea how his wife, Jane, does it, Tar admitted that “she outsmarts me at every turn.”
Zane was promptly released by ER staff with a prescription for humble pie.
Single, separated, divorced and widowed Adventists who want to change that status wanted.
Give it up, “Tar Zane.” You will never win an argument against your dear wife Jane. I doubt even the “real” Tarzan could win an argument against his wife Jane Porter. A female attorney in my town capitalizes on that phenomenon by advertising: “Ever tried arguing with a woman?”
Here’s why: men and women are actually different species. Men are dogs, women are cats. In fact, we are different life forms, as Dr. John Gray pointed out: “Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus.”
So that is why my neck’s been hurting all these years! I’m gonna print out this report and show it to my doctor. He’s been complaining of neck pain, too.
Adam was smart – he didn’t try to debate Eve. He knew he was no match for her. But he blamed her for everything. “The woman You made, she gave me this fruit.” And Eve said, “The devil made me do it.” Some things never change.
And the serpent had no leg to stand on.
If girls win arguments, it ain’t cause they have a better brain. It’s cause they have an unfair advantage of weapons that guys don’t have to fight with:
1. They pout and cry.
2. They refuse to cook for you.
3. They overdraw the checking account, on purpose.
4. They threaten to withhold sëx or throw you in the doghouse.
5. They blab everything to their friends and ruin your reputation.
6. They run home to momma; or even worse: they bring the mother-in-law to live in your house!
Hairy should add a # 7 to his list. Some women think they can slap, scratch, or spit and get away with it — because men are scared of looking like wimps if they report it as abuse. My wife and I never argue. Once was enough for me. I learned my lesson when we started to have one first argument on our honeymoon. I spent the rest of the cruise in the infirmary with a concussion.
The so-called “fairer sex” is often very unfair, very demanding, very childish and “entitled,” and sometimes selfish and conceited. And yes, sometimes violent. Everybody knows that they actually control the world, too. “The hand that rocks the cradle rules the world.” Almost 80% of all money spent is expended either by, on, or to impress, a female. It just ain’t fair.
There were two entrances to the Pearly Gates. The sign over one entrance said: “Henpecked Husbands.” There was a long line at that entrance.
The sign over the other entrance said: “He-men.” There was only one man in that line: a passive, meek little guy.
St. Peter went up to the wimp and asked why he was waiting in the “He-men” line. The poor little guy whispered, “My wife told me to stand here.”
Another hen-pecked husband was trying to explain to St. Peter why he should be allowed to enter the Pearly Gates.
“I came home to my 25-floor apartment and smelled another man’s cologne. I searched but couldn’t find the man. Finally I found the guy outdoors, hanging from his fingertips from the edge of the balcony. I pounded on his fingers with a hammer until the guy let go. The guy fell into the bushes 25 floors below. He was hurt, but not killed. Enraged, I pulled my refrigerator out onto the balcony, and threw it over the edge so it landed on the guy, who died instantly. But I felt so guilty about killing the guy, that I had a heart attack and died that night. I’ve had a rough time.”
St. Peter agreed. “That really is a rough time. I feel sorry for you. Come on in.”
The next guy in line said, “I’ve had a really rough time, too. You see, I was exercising on my 26th-floor balcony, and I fell over the edge. Luckily I grabbed the 25th-floor balcony with my fingertips. Then this guy comes to the edge I figure he would save me. Instead, he beat my fingers with a hammer until I let go. To make matters worse, he killed me by throwing a refrigerator on top of me. I’ve had a rough time!”
St. Peter agreed. “That really is rough. I feel sorry for you. Come on in.”
The next guy said, “I’ve had a rough time too. Picture this: I was on the 25th floor, hiding inside a refrigerator. . . .”
“We are both super-Adventist and not a day goes by without us cracking open a Worthington can.” ROFL!
“She outsmarts me at every turn.” SMH
“He was promptly released by ER staff with a prescription for humble pie.” LOL!
My wife invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned to our six-year-old daughter and said, “Would you like to say the blessing?” I wouldn’t know what to say,” she replied. “Just say what you hear Mommy say,” my wife said. Our daughter bowed her head and said: “Dear Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?”
This could be a stand-alone post:)
I was at the beach with my four-year-old daughter. She pointed to a dead seagull on the sand. “Dad, what happened to him?” my daughter asked. “He died and went to Heaven,” I replied. My daughter thought for a moment and said, “And God threw him back down?”
And the Bible clearly says the true church is Baptist: “In those days John the Baptist came, preaching” the truth. (Matt. 3:1.)
The pastor came to our house last week. Eager to impress him, my wife told our daughter: “Go get the Good Book.”
My daughter asked, “Which one is that?”
My wife said,” You know, the one you see me reading all the time.”
Our daughter promptly returned with the JC Penney catalog.
Four Catholic women were having coffee. The first woman tells her friends “My
son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone says, “Oh, ‘my Father’.”
The second woman chirps, “Well, my son is a bishop. Whenever he walks into a
room, people say “Oh, ‘Your Grace’.”
The third woman says “My son is a cardinal. And whenever he walks into room, people say, “Oh, ‘Your Eminence’!”
The fourth woman sips her tea in silence. The first three women give her a subtle look as if to say, “Well…?” Finally, the fourth woman says, “My son is 6’4″. He has broad, square shoulders. He’s terribly handsome, drives a fast car, and dresses very well. And whenever he walks into a room, women say ‘Oh, my God’!”
In the woods by herself, with none around, yells about how stupid I am, will she still be heard?
Whether or not anyone hears her, it still may be true.
I’m one year closer, gaining significant ground, on understanding my wife, only 99 more to go!
Give it up, 7-Up. The great Dr. Sigmund Freud said: “The great question that has never been answered, and which I have not yet been able to answer, despite my thirty years of research into the feminine soul, is ‘What does a woman want?'”
All I know is, Women love me! Even after I rudely announced that nobody would vote for Carly Fiorina with “that face.” Even after I rudely said Megyn Kelly had blood “coming out of her wherever.” Women just love me. After all, I’ve had three (3) wives (and a few concubines). Yes, the ladies ALL love me. And so do Blacks, Mexicans, and Muslims. Everybody loves me. I’m gonna “bring everyone together”–including the 11,000,000 immigrants that I’m gonna round up and throw out. My election results will be tremendous! A big, yuge landslide!
Donald, take it from me–a woman. Time to get your head out of the sand! If there is a landslide in November, the polls currently show that it will be in my favor. In January, I’ll stand on the front porch of the White House and smile as you stand outside of the outer gates crying like a baby.
Husband: Jane, you don’t make sense. How could someone so beautiful be so stupid?
Wife: God made me so beautiful that you would marry me, and so stupid that I would marry you.
7Upper, it’s not that hard to understand women. What they want is really quite simple:
1. A man handsome enough to make her heart flutter, but not handsome enough to make her look less attractive (nor to run the risk of other women trying to steal him).
2. A man “romantic” enough to sweep her off her feet while courting, but not “romantic” enough to separate her from her Facebook addiction to go on dates after marriage.
3. A man who is “sensitive” but not a doormat. In other words, a man who does everything she wants him to do, but nothing that others want him to do.
4. A man with enough money so that she will never have to work, and who is generous enough to put her in control of all that money, while still allowing her to work for her own income.
“A successful husband is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful women is one who finds such a man.”
A word of wisdom: most women don’t believe in premarital sex; many don’t believe in marital sex, either.
Final word of wisdom: Men are turned on by sight. Some women are turned on by touch. Most women are turned on by nothing, ever. All women are turned on by fame and fortune.
Is that clear?
Rim shots all around.
All should know the answer to Bruce’s heartfelt query. It is as affirmative as the answer to the time-old question regarding – do bears poop in the woods! * If wives really desire to be heard in the woods, it would behoove them to restrict their woodland areas found in deep canyons! For there I have heard that even the ROCKS WILL CRY OUT – echoing their mournful diatribes!