Congregation Instructed to Sing “Bring Ye All the Tithes Into The Storehouse” Until Offering Basket Has Enough For New Air Conditioner

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In a move of desperation last Sabbath, Pastor Johnson of the Swelter Valley Seventh-day Adventist Church directed his congregation to sing “Bring Ye All the Tithes Into The Storehouse” until the offering basket had collected enough donations to cover the cost of a new air conditioner.

“This isn’t Sabbath humor, I’m dead serious: our air conditioner is as old as a GC executive,” said Johnson, “it should have been retired several thirteenth Sabbaths ago.”

Asking everyone to stand, Johnson got the praise team leading the singing while he loudly highlighted the pitifully sluggish progress of the rather oversized giving thermometer that the church’s AV team had optimistically projected onto the screen.

“Keep singing brothers and sisters, we’re nowhere close!” he exclaimed. His voice resonated with the air of a battle-hardened leader as he revealed that, after what felt like countless repeats, the congregation had only managed to amass enough funds to perhaps buy a second-hand oscillating fan.

With the seventh pass of the offering basket underway, tech-savvy members surreptitiously reached for their smartphones, intent on covertly researching the best deals in modern air conditioning so as to stop the misery.

The church’s Wi-Fi ground to a halt under the sudden influx of budget-conscious searches for discounted industrial-size AC.

As the congregation steeled itself for a 10th straight singing of the offering hymn an exasperated pensioner finally got Johnson to end the singing.

“I’ll give up my Sabbath Rolex, just make this stop!” pleaded the member, as “Amens” and “Hallelujah’s” filled the sanctuary.


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