Embarrassing mom touts son’s Union College scholarship, doesn’t mention everyone gets one

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Husker can't wait to get to Union...
Husker can’t wait to get to Union…
LOS ANGELES, Calif. — The holidays have become a little less bearable for family, friends and even loose acquaintances of Plyse Stahp whose 18-year-old son, Husker, just received an acceptance letter from Nebraska’s Union College, along with a yearly $6,500 scholarship.

The letter had scarcely been opened before Stahp resolved to casually drop the fact that her son had been awarded a college scholarship into every single conversation she would be having for the foreseeable future.

“My son just got a scholarship to a private Adventist college, and he’ll probably be a brain surgeon,” Stahp recently informed a hapless political pollster during a two-hour conversation. “So you might be calling about his campaign someday.”

Although relatives familiar with Union’s scholarship program gently informed her that $6,500 per year is given to all students and that her son’s tuition could have been waived entirely if he’d done better on his SATs, Stahp was determined not to let the facts get in the way of her zeal to show off.

When not talking about the scholarship or the individualized attention that would be showered upon her son at a smaller school like Union, a faux-sheepish Stahp shared the fact that there are almost twice as many female students as there are males at Union. “I give Husker until next Christmas to be married to a cute Adventist girl. Then we can start talking grandchildren.”



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  1. This mother has quite an interesting name, “Plyse Stahp.” I’m sure those around her are thinking, “Please Stop” by now. Although this may be a veiled parody of a certain candidate’s story about a scholarship offer to a certain famous military academy, it’s also a great advertisement for Union College. What red-blooded young male wouldn’t love to attend a college where everybody gets a scholarship and there are two gals for every guy? Each dude can take two of those pretty young co-eds to the vespers date every week. The only problem is, he may soon find that the girls get into ugly fights about who will sit at his right hand and who sits at his left. Poor Husker will find that Jesus was right: “no man can serve two masters”!

  2. Jebra Bush

    This is another trick from Donald Dump, trying to intimidate his way into the White House. All those attacks on my friend Ben were cooked up by Trumpty Dumpty. Ben’s story was actually true, because nobody pays tuition at West Point, so everyone who goes there basically has a full-tuition scholarship. Ben’s book simply says that the general offered to get him admitted to West Point (which automatically includes free tuition), but Ben told the general that he wasn’t interested (because he wanted to become a doctor) and did not apply.

  3. Hilarious Clinton

    I give Husker until next Christmas to be married to a cute Adventist girl–one who looks just like me. (Now, now; stop laughing. I actually was slightly cute about 60 years ago, at least to my momma.)

  4. Pill Cosby

    I paid for a lot of young ladies’ college educations to keep them quiet after giving them a drink spiked with some weird pills. When they started suing me, I decided to donate the funds to Union College, instead. Now you know the rest of the story.

  5. Dougie Batchelor

    This is a conspiracy to distract people from my anti-Santa mission. Here’s what you need to know: Santa is fake, and Elvis is real. Yes, Elvis is alive! He may be bald now, like me, but he’s very much alive and serving as a secret agent on special assignment as a bodyguard for Ben Carson.

  6. Ben Carsinogen

    If you think this Union College thing is big news, just wait till I make my big announcement on New Year’s Day: I’m selling my political campaign, suspending my house, firing my wife, and divorcing my staff, and burning my books. I’m joining the cast of SNL, where my job will be to parody Jay Pharaoh’s parodies of me.

  7. Mony Mony

    I think Plyse would be best buds with my sister-in-law, who never fails to let me know (right after she tells me how much time she spent in her devotionals that morning) of how their dedication to educate their 2 children in the best SDA schools, has put them in the poor house. But the gravy was, they were able to nab a DOCTOR (vet) into their family, through a marriage

    1. Mona Lisa

      Any sacrifice is worth nabbing a doctor–even a veterinarian or a podiatrist or dentist, who failed the MCAT and couldn’t get accepted into M.D. school but somehow slithered into some other health-related profession as Plan B.

  8. Richard Mills

    Husker Musker & mommy should investigate the reopening of AUC. Very historical area. 4 seasons. Close to cultural stuff. Only 3 hours to NYC. New England girls are working girls. What you got to lose, Huskie?? Or are you a home boy? Afraid to leave mommy and be on your own? Man up!! Woe iz me!

      1. Burny Sanders

        I object to that ridiculous slight against my beautiful New England girls. Even an old geezer like me can see that New Hampshire girls are the best (if you can find them through the snow blizzards and avalanches).

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