Look what we dug up from the archives!
21 Things that Turn An Adventist On:
1.) A "Bad Boy" repentance story.
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Nothing arouses an Adventist quite like a "bad boy/girl gone good" story. After people dab away their tears of joy at your salvation, don't be surprised if more than a few pairs of dewy eyes turn to you with the intent of keeping you on the straight and narrow path --- to marriage. Rowr! (Photo via https://www.facebook.com/dougbatchelor)
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Slide # 5 shows the danger of allowing men to be ordained as ministers. They might inadvertently get the female parishioners’ hearts racing just by preaching. This temptation must be avoided at all costs. Top 10 reasons why men should not be ordained.
I agree, God created a lifestyle for Isreal, and the concept of worship and praise to God. God wants all the praise and glory and that is the way it should be.
Sabbath can be very busy for SDA, Sunday sabbath can be very busy for my baptist brother.
Man created religion. Ever since man created religion, we screwed it up. I’ll bet God would be happy if we all just stayed home on Sabbath and rested and read our bibles and worshipped with those we love.
Look at the seemingly rebellious attitude Jesus had towards the “Jewish religion”.
Healing, helping, collecting food, traveling on Sabbath.
Number 14 is da bomb. I’m definitely going for a pre-med, ’cause I don’t want to be in the position of having to work if I don’t feel like it. Just gotta be careful not to get hitched to a pre-med coed who plans to be a medical missionary. They gotta have ambitions to be a sub-specialist.
Medical missionaries = All of the work, none of the perks:)
18 – “Someone who can make a mean Special K loaf.” That’s the truth! I don’t care if my girl can make the best haystacks in town; only Special-K Loaf can get my motor running. My whole family believes this way. I once brought a girl home from college to meet my parents, and they had only one question for her. She answered it wrong, and they literally threw her out of the house. She had to hitch-hike to the bus station. Later I met the love of my life, who had won the Alumni Weekend Special-K Queen award at her academy. She instantly received the blessing of my parents, and our marriage has been just peachy, err, that is, Special-K-loafy. We never argue. If I start to gripe about anything, she just stuffs a giant slice of left-over Special-K loaf in my mouth till I can’t talk anymore, and our relationship is like heaven on earth.
See, this diversion is the result of women ministers who don’t have the ability to scare the bejesus out of Adventists with guilt and fire and hellfire. Jesus is returning soon, soon, soon and the horn dogs now don’t care with their unmanaged hormones clouding eternal life concern. Woe is me and female clergy who are diminishing the 144,000 to a handfulof of maybe 100. Jesus doesn’t need to waste his time making the earth trip, just send a lowly angel to pick up this bitty Remnant.
Beam me up, Scotty.
I do not allow women to teach me. I was inspired by God to write that by the way.
I like the one about European Adventists. I can identify with that. When I hear those Russian girls’ accents, I melt inside. I go head over heals. My head starts spinning. Best part of all? They love my southern drawl, too. I guess opposites attract.
No. 21 has a good point, but it is not practical. In most SDA congregations, it looks like about 90% of the folks are available, even if 90% are actually married. Can anyone guess why?
Ha! Number 2 is so awesome. Like, totally right: the “Bad Boy” repentance story always turns me on. No wonder I can’t flip the channel when Doug Batchelor comes on 3ABN. He’s my dream dude. And he must be “available” ’cause I don’t see no wedding band. No wonder he’s had two wives (but not at the same time) and both are named Karen. (You have to read his Caveman bio carefully to figure out which Karen he’s talking about on any given page.)
I fully agree with the 4th item: Looks Good Without Makeup. In college, I was always clever to find out what kind of face my vespers date might have 20 years in the future. So, on the way back from the vespers date, I would take them to an fountain on the campus, which I had rigged to spray water upwards. I would trick them into placing their face over the water nozzle, then I would step on the switch and their face would get a tremendous shower of water. By the time it finished, every trace of makeup was gone. You’d be shocked how ugly some of them were. Couldn’t even recognize them. But one was a real knockout. No one wants to wake up to something that looks like a dried-out, 3-day-old pancake in the morning. (Seriously, have you seen Kylie Jenner without any makeup? I almost gagged.) I’m glad I put all those girls to the test. This one has been married to me for 49 years and still looks as pretty as the day I married her.
I’m sorry, but point “11” is not true. All the guys I’ve ever dated were ones I met in church, and they’re all jerks. I’ve been burned too many times, so I won’t play with fire again. I’m planning to look for men in the library from now on.
The best one is that the woman has her own home. Believe me, I’m not moving in with my mother-in-law.
Well, for me it’s # 2 (Musical Ability). I have to admit that I fall for the girls who sing special music. There’s one in particular in my church. When I hear her voice soaring, my spirit soars. My heart throbs. My soul reverberates. I’m an easy target for those singing girls. I don’t care if she can cook, clean, or iron. Just let her sing.
My favorite is the one about humor and satire. A keen, clever sense of humor is irresistible. No wonder sevvy has so many young ladies chasing him. Recently I heard that he had to hire a bodyguard to fend them off so he could just have some peace.
I am your friend. Your friendly undertaker. I’ll be the last one to let you down.