COLLEGEDALE, Tenn. — The Board of Commissioners for the City of Collegedale, Tenn. has passed a city-wide policy requiring all business and places of work to cease operations from Friday to Saturday sundown weekly.
City Hall has already received assurances of compliance from Collegedale’s two largest entities: Southern Adventist University and McKee Foods, the Adventist-owned producer of Little Debbie and Sunbelt snack foods.
Under the new policy dubbed “Saturday Law,” Collegedale’s more than 8,000 residents are prohibited from buying or selling during the 24-hour period. The policy also directs residents of the city to attend church services on Saturdays.
“Let me be clear, we are not stipulating which church residents attend but we are asking residents to attend a church on Saturday,” said City Public Affairs Specialist, Debra James. “It literally can be any church, just as long as it meets on Saturday and has a solid handle on prophecy.”
“From a religious liberty perspective, some may be be concerned that the recent decision at City Hall has damaged the Separation of Church and State,” said Dr. Aaron Friedman, Professor of Religion at Southern. “On the surface, this kind of policy seems arbitrary and restrictive but seen with an open mind, it is clear that it is for the common good.”
City Hall released a statement this morning thanking residents for their compliance with Saturday Law and asked everyone to be a good neighbor and report suspicious or otherwise non-compliant behavior. Commissioners promised to keep residents appraised of further policy being formulated to encourage local banking consolidation as well as mandatory retinal scans to further contribute to peace and prosperity in Collegedale.
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I know this is intended as satire, but is it supposed to be funny? To me, the only comical part was the aside about retinal scans.
To me it’s funny to imagine adventists as the oppressors that I was raised to inevitably fear. Now off to feed the hungry… With their children…
I use to love your stuff, your grasping at straws now… Not so funny. Sorry guys!
This one makes me think more than laugh… nice to see the issue of being persecuted flipped on its head. I remember being on a credits system at the sda universities I attended and would get fined if I didn’t attend enough worships… very strange decision on the part of these institutions when I look back on it. It’s like they were sure that God needed help being God so they felt the need to take matters into their own hands and MAKE students be “spiritual”.
Actually, you’re too late, the Post Office in Collegedale operated on a “Saturday law” for years
You should know that two SDA communities-South Lancaster & Takoma Park used to be closed up tight Friday one hour before sundown to Saturday sundown. Sadly, this condition no longer exists in either place. Maybe the Loma Linda community might have been closed for the Sabbath, Now? Anything goes What about Pitcairn Island?
Same with the Keene, Texas Post Office. Just because WE as a group hold religious beliefs…should we mix religion with government and close the post office…hmm. Separation of church and state is what I thought we were about.
Awesome. You know Adventists would do this if in political power.
If true it takes hypocrisy to new heights . For people who believe that the reenactment of Sunday laws will signal the Tribulation and the Mark of the Beast , this has to take the prize for irony . I hope this is a bad joke !
Lol. Why are people complaining? They can attend “literally any church they want as long as it meets on Saturday and has a solid handle on prophecy.” Retinal scans are a great idea too! Eat it NSA – the future is ours!!