“We have re-purposed the plot where Hollywood Seventh-day Adventist Church used to sit to build a movie theater that we know in our hearts angels are 100% OK with,” said SCC President, Pastor Glen Dale. “We are confident this will be a better use of the land.”
Set to open in July, the theater has been specifically designed to avoid the aspects of theater going that have long been critiqued by Adventists: Instead of dark corners, the theater will feature cafeteria lighting and widely-spaced wooden chairs with aggressively stiff chair backs that encourage focus and alertness.
“We have been very intentional about creating a clean environment where no funny business could ever take place,” said Caviness, “In fact, if this theater delivers as intended, nothing funny will transpire on these premises.”
“The new theater will double as a health food ministry,” said conference Health Director, Mary Sanderford. “The concession area will feature fresh celery sticks, beet shakes and creatively edible tofu creations.”
Creative director Max Stoder says that the theater will feature uplifting standards such as Sound of Music and Veggie Tales as well as what he calls “a dynamic mix of stimulating and doctrinally-appropriate PowerPoints.”
“This is perfect for date night,” said Dale. “I mean who could say no to dinner and a State of the Dead PowerPoint?”
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HA ha ha… “aggressively stiff chair backs that encourage focus and alertness”… marvellous! 😀
Is this a joke?! LOL! Surely no “funny business” will transpire in an “angel-friendly” theater.
Don’t forget to include the famous Walt Disney nature flix. Disney sure made the rounds of SDA places until they branched out to other genres. What about Focus on the Family films? I love Wit’s End and the gang. How about a rental box like Netflix. Call it “SDA Flix”. Great source of income for a local church, SS, Pathfinder Club, ADRA, etc.if placed in the right spot. I can see the sign now-“Angels from Heaven at the 7-11”.
Ahahaha, “Doctrinally appropriate power points…” Too good…
Check this out. I think this BarelyAdventist article is hilarious, but it reminded me of this link, it’s very depressing to think that someone has actually gone this far.
Keep on posting! You guys here are awesome!
I love your contrived “SCC President, Pastor Glen Dale.” Hahahahaha!
Nope. The angels will be out front crying as the evil children enter the theatre. I’ll keep on waiting until they show the SAME movie at church for AYS.