The move comes as the result of a landmark gift from McKee Foods (the maker of the Little Debbie brand) to the university. The gift comes in several parts: $650M for future construction projects, endowed positions for all full-time faculty and full-ride scholarships for any student that pledges to work for McKee’s for 10 years after graduation.
In addition, the agreement stipulates that all of Southern’s administration will be on McKee’s payroll. “This is not a big deal, they basically already were. We are a huge philanthropic contributor,” said a McKee exec under condition of anonymity.
As part of the deal, key buildings will be named after various snack cakes. A few name changes detailed in a university press release include the news that Wright Hall (Administration) will be renamed Nutty Bar. Hackman Hall, home to all religion classes, will now be known as Cosmic Brownie and the Iles Physical Education Center will be renamed Swiss Cake Roll. The McKee Library will not undergo a name change.
In addition to the name changes, a clause in the new agreement requires the university’s School of Physical Education, Health, and Wellness to “stop making such a stink about sugar levels in American desserts.”
There has been some internal push-back on this requirement as several Wellness instructors see a conflict between the Little Debbie brand and the Adventist health message. The department only acquiesced under heavy pressure from administration as well as a guarantee that Hulsey Wellness Center would be re-branded as the healthiest Little Debbie snack, the Oatmeal Creme Pie.
“We are excited about this move to secure the future of our school well into the future. We are no strangers to name changes and each time we have changed our name we have grown into that new name. We re-branded from being a college to a university almost two decades ago. We are now proud to assume our new identity as snack cake ambassadors,” said Marketing and University Relations representative Jared Thompson.
Are you sure this isn’t an April Fools’ joke a week late?? lol
Kitty, and all those concerned about the reality of this satire, composed by dedicated Adventists, to, among things, enjoy a good laugh at ourselves… scroll back up to the top of the page, upper right, and note the reassuring header, “satirically Adventist”. Now then, go and enjoy the many other submissions with a reassured smile.
I lost my veganity to Little Debbie…. 🙁
This is the funniest comment ever. Then I saw you wrote it. Trethewey, veganity is a beautiful and precious thing. I’m glad you waited for the right treat to come along.
A new way to attract the academic creme of the crop….
I know this is a joke
This is too rediculous to warrant a reply! I agree with Kitty–it’s got to be an April fool joke
Now this takes the cake! Of course this is tongue-in-cheek, but it’s seriously funny! Whoever dreamed up this “report” has a wonderful sense of humor. As a former student at SAU, I must say you cracked me up! I couldn’t stop laughing. Thanks for bringing some mirth and good cheer.
I’ve lived in Chattanooga and when I saw this headline I thought….seriously? After reading it I was dumbfounded………………………………………………in a funny way!!!!
According to a nutrionist employed by McKee Foods, who asked to remain anonymous, the two most important food groups are white sugar and white flour.