Trump to ban Adventists from outsourcing baptisms to other countries

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Trump vows to bring baptisms back to American shores
Trump vows to bring baptisms back to American shores
NEW YORK, N.Y. — In a rare policy speech this morning, presumptive Republican nominee Donald Trump vowed to stop the Seventh-day Adventist Church from outsourcing its baptisms to countries outside the United States.

In a new twist on his “Make America Great Again” platform, the candidate referred to the Adventist Church as a prime example of US-based entities allowing foreign countries to steal work that used to be done in the United States.

“These other countries are killing us. And our leaders are so stupid, they are letting them get away with it. I call on the Seventh-day Adventists to lead by example and show what it means to put America first again.”

If the General Conference did not correct course, Trump vowed to crush its international efforts by blocking funding for international baptisms. He vowed to halt the construction of international baptismal pools and make it impossible to so much as rent out swimming locations around the world on Sabbath.


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  1. Yup, the church has stagnated in North America while growing rapidly overseas. I wonder what the leaders are planning to do. My suggestion: focus on Christ’s love and grace, and helping people find a personal love relationship with Jesus — not a robotic adherence to a list of rules and doctrines.

  2. Ted Cruise

    If Tramp is elected, I’m moving back to Canada. And my former-SDA wife Heidi will be right there with me in Calgary. Maybe we will convert to SDA and do a bunch of Canadian baptisms to irk Tramp.

  3. Mark O. Ruby-oh

    The Donald has small hands. You know what they say about people with small hands: you can’t trust them. Vote Marco! (And it’s fine with me if baptisms are outsourced.)

  4. John KaySick

    Why doesn’t Trumpty Dumpty complain about outsourcing Haystacks to Mexico? Let’s see him build the Great Wall of Mexico to stop illegal trafficking of haystacks and Little Debbies.

    1. Hilarious Clinton

      As my dear husband Bill said, “I tried Little Debbies a time or two in college, but I did not inhale.” He also said: “I did NOT have relations with that woman, Li’l Debbie.” But of course, it all depends on what the meaning of “is” is.

    2. richard mills

      John-is it really true that Little Debbies is being outsourced? If so, I ain’t gonna buy no more. Maybe the Little Debbie parts are made elsewhere , shipped to the USA and assembled in Collegedale. In that case, I might return to eating & consuming Little Debbies. Inquiring minds need to know.

  5. Ben Carsinogen

    What’s wrong with you guys that are knocking my mentor Trump? So, you know, like give the guy a break. Are there better candidates? Yes, sure. Do I wish I could have endorse another candidate? Absolutely, you know. But he’s the only one that offered me a job. And, first of all, he’s not that bad. You can judge by the “fruit salad” of his life. There are 2 Donald Trumps: the one everybody has seen all his life, and the real one who (pretended to be) different for 10 minutes at breakfast on day in March. Of course, he might make a terrible President, you know, but hey: it would only be for 4 years. He seems quite uneducated and ignorant, but he’s actually quite cerebral when the “other” Donald Trump personality takes over 0.001 percent of the time. And with a supporter like me, he doesn’t need opponents!

    1. richard mills

      ‘Yo, B’rock-wazzup wit chew? I bee in da hood how to figger this baptism thing out wit Trump. Maybe we can fly the baptismalees back to the US of A. Dunk ’em. There is a very big lake near the GC. GC employees can do the work. Rest a day or two. Fly ’em all back to the home countries a new person, a new being ready to evangelize, all motivated, all jazzed up, you know what I mean?
      Ain’t got nuttin’ to loose. Here’s lookin’ at you , kid. Woe iz me!!

      1. B'rock O'bama

        Thanks, Richard. I’ve needed such sound advice so badly. I should have appointed you to my Cabinet 7 years ago. Your idea is great. Another idea is to baptize them by throwing them in the Rio Grande river from the Mexico side. They will float to the U.S. side by the time the baptism is finished. So they can be both “born again” and “bound for the promised land” of El Norte / Amerika at the same time. That should satisfy Trumpty Dumpty’s anti-outsourcing policy. Hopefully he’ll make a door in The Great Wall of Mexico for the baptismalees to enter in.

    1. Teddy Wilson

      Just of like Jesus! Christ provided fine wine to the wedding feast of Cana but He did not drink it Himself. He also provided fish to the crowd of 5,000 (and later he made broiled fish for His disciples), but He did not eat it Himself. He also served the Passover lamb dish to His disciples, but He did not eat it Himself even though every other Jew ate the Passover lamb as commanded in Exodus 12:6.

    1. Fido Castro

      Oh, okay, Lyin’ Ted. Is that why the Bible says “The Son of Man came eating and drinking, and they said, ‘Here is a glutton and a drunkard, a friend of tax collectors and sinners.'”?

  6. The D.C. News

    Manhattan, NY.– Donald Trump announced today that he has selected his good friend Hellary Clinton as his Vice-Presidential running mate. His selection committee helper, Ben Carson, explained that Trump did not mind selecting an independent or a Democrat. In view of Trump’s announcement, Hellary has suspended her presidential campaign today, and issued a press release stating that she is honored to be Trump’s running mate. Thus, the race will be Trump/Clinton vs. Sanders/Batchelor. “I am delighted to have another chance to serve this great country,” gushed Hellary. “Trump has been one of my best friends for many years. Now let’s go and beat Bernie!”

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