Army of Adventist young people change Facebook status to “single” as wedding season explodes

Adventist young people everywhere are updating the relationship status...
Adventist young people everywhere are updating their relationship status…
With summer wedding madness in full swing, Adventist singles are making every possible preparation to fully take advantage of the romantic potential of the season. Thousands of Adventist college students are cutting their losses by severing ties with suboptimal banquet dates from last year, boldy changing their Facebook status to “single.”

“Unless you are married or actually wearing an engagement watch there is absolutely no reason to look anything less than 100% available to people you meet during Adventist wedding season,” said Casada Claro, an Adventist marriage therapist. “Make sure your status says ‘single.'”

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She stressed that Adventists looking for romance should even “avoid cutesy pictures of you and the opposite sex.” Claro counsels clients to stick to flattering pictures of themselves on nature walks or looking beach-appropriate on tropical mission trips.

“The last thing you want is to clink Martinelli’s glasses with someone or be making eyes at them from across that dance-less church fellowship hall only for that cute Adventist to think you are not available when they check your profile out on their phone during a long-winded toast,” said Claro. “That is the definition of a wasted opportunity.”

Claro urged Adventist young people to always remember that chances are those cute pre-med, theology or nursing majors they met last year at school will still be around next year. “Consider them your back-up plan,” she said. “But don’t make them an excuse for not striking when the wedding season is hot.”

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7 Comments

  1. There’s something ironic about the photo above. Two cute single guys and two pretty single girls, all glued to their smartphones, updating their FB status — and seemingly oblivious to their presence in the same room. This is a sad commentary on how detached and lonely many people are in our society where we are allegedly more connected than any previous society via technology. My suggestion: let the young man in the red plaid shirt pair off with the brunette in the denim jacket; and let the guy in the blue shirt pair off with the blonde in the green top.

  2. Jeremy Bridges

    ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍“Unless you are married or actually wearing an engagement watch there is absolutely no reason to look anything less than 100% available.” But how will they know you’re not available if you’re married/engaged and wearing a wedding/engagement watch? How will people know it’s a “wedding watch” and not just a regular watch?
    ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍Why not just wear a ring? Time to ditch the silly jewelry substitutes and recognize that the Bible is not against jewelry.

    • STU REDMAN

      GET A GOOD LAWYER AND DRAW UP A BINDING CONTRACT WHICH STATES, “IF I AM THE CAUSE OF MY DIVORCE, I GIVE UP EVERYTHING AND CLAIM NOTHING AND I WILL PAYOFF ALL OF OUR MUTUAL DEBT AND LASTLY I WILL DO MY EX SPOUSE’S LAUNDRY FOR LIFE”. SHOULD WORK JUST FINE, APPARENTLY LOVE VOWS DO NOT IN SOME CASES.
      ASK FRANNIE.

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