Dan Jackson kidnapped, held at undisclosed GC location

SILVER SPRING, Md. — North American Division President Dan Jackson went missing from work today after an early morning meeting.

Initially NAD staff were not concerned, but after a couple of hours of unsuccessful attempts to reach Jackson on his cell phone, interns were dispatched to track him down.

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“We checked Starbucks, Taco Bell, all his usual hideouts,” said NAD Security Coordinator Reenee Dition. “He was nowhere to be found.”

Dition said that shortly before lunch she received a call from a third floor number. A caller who refused to give his name informed her that Jackson was being held at an undisclosed Dorcas closet somewhere on the Eastern Seaboard.

“I was assured that he had access to an unlimited supply of Worthington products and Postum,” said Dition. “But the GC will not be returning him until after the year-end meetings.”

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