In a groundbreaking move to modernize student services while cutting costs, Andrews University has unveiled PRAYR-3000, an artificial intelligence chatbot programmed to handle all student life concerns with a single, spiritually-focused response: “Just pray about it.”
Revolutionary Technology
The sleek, cost-effective system replaces several decades of human experience with a state-of-the-art algorithm that detects keywords like “homesick,” “roommate problems,” or “cafeteria food” and responds with variations of its core message, including “Have you prayed about that?” and “Let’s take that to the Lord in prayer.”
“We’re particularly proud of its advanced features,” explained Dr. Binary Bytes, head of AU’s new Digital Student Life department. “When students type the word ‘stressed,’ it automatically plays a MIDI version of ‘Side by Side’ while displaying a low-resolution GIF of praying hands.”
Enhanced Efficiency
The bot has already proven remarkably efficient in handling student concerns. When faced with dormitory flooding, it promptly responds “Prayer changes things!” For failed midterms, it offers “The prayer of the righteous is powerful and effective!” And when students complain about no hot water, it wisely reminds them that “Ellen White took cold showers – pray for strength!”
Student Response
“I told it I was having a crisis because the cafe ran out of haystacks,” reported sophomore Sarah Smith. “It responded with a ‘Prayer Warriors Needed’ Facebook frame and a link to purchase the complete works of Ellen White in PDF format.”
Future Updates
The administration has announced plans to upgrade the system with additional responses including “Trust and obey,” “What would Jesus do?” and for particularly difficult situations, “Remember, it’s character-building!” Sources say the next version will include an automatic vespers attendance tracker and a special algorithm to detect unauthorized dancing.
For students seeking more personalized attention, the bot offers a premium subscription service that includes randomly generated quotes from the Spirit of Prophecy and exclusive access to pre-written prayer templates for common campus crises.
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